I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Thursday night. Well, dear readers, by this time tomorrow, I will be getting ready to tour the Winchester Mystery House with my friend, Tracy. Spooky good fun for Friday the 13th! In any case, I'll be gone until Tuesday, when I return to work, so do try to manage without me, won't you?
Recently, I've been an emotional eating machine. There are several things going on that have gotten me to this place, including work, and I'm not seeing a way out right now. After posting something about this on my eDiets support board, several have made the suggestion that I break things down a lot more instead of trying to get everything perfect all at once. To that end, I think I'm going to put the eating portion of things on the back burner for a bit and focus on getting my walking in five or six days a week, drinking at least 100oz of water each day, and eating a healthy breakfast six of seven days each week. Once the activity part becomes a little more routine, perhaps I'll add dinner to my list, then lunch. I'm just such an "all or nothing" perfectionist that I give up on even trying after a certain point because I know I won't be able to be perfect. You know what? I'll never be perfect and that's OK, I just need to keep on trying and doing the best that I can.
God, why do I beat myself up about this stuff? There are so many people out there willing to make me feel inadequate and useless that I certainly don't need to heap on, too.
I'm so tired. Tired of talking about it, tired of thinking about it, just plain tired. I want to have a life where I can feel "normal", whatever that is. Where I won't obsess over my imperfections and compulsively measure myself against others, always falling short. I want to get up, love my husband (one day, Lord, one day!), do my job, have fun, and feel OK...feel like I belong and am not some sort of subadequate freak of nature. Will that ever happen? Only time will tell. Until then, I just keep on putting one foot in front of the other, trying to make today just a little bit better than yesterday, and dreaming.
Wednesday evening. I can't believe they've already written this article dissecting the Clark campaign. The man just dropped out a few hours ago, isn't it a little early to rip into his campaign?
And you just know that, somewhere in America, someone is already printing up the "Kerry/Edwards '04" bumper stickers.
Wednesday afternoon. Shannin has posted something on her site today that really resonates with me. I wrote last Friday about some kids who made fun of me and made me feel terrible about myself and, although it doesn't happen often, each time it does I am made to feel like less of a person, or less worthy of basic respect, than thinner people. That is fundamentally wrong, friends. I'm certainly no better than thinner people, but they are not, by their very "thin-ness" more worthy of respect. Being fat isn't a character flaw, it's not something I enjoy but neither should it be something to cause me to question my very right to exist.
I remember when I was a teenager and fat. I was 125 at 5'3" and a size 9, and I was constantly ridiculed, reviled, and ignored by boys. I can remember going on my first diet before I even got to high school (I think it was Richard Simmons' original diet) and giving Jane Fonda's workout (on vinyl, of course!) obsessive attention in an attempt to lose the 10 pounds I was convinced would set me free. I look at pictures of myself from high school now and am so angry that anyone made me feel like a freak, as though I were disgusting and beyond the pale. Heck, I was smaller then than my goal weight now. I will never forget what one of the guys I had a crush on said to me as I was wrapping his ankle before wrestling practice, "You know, Denise, you really would be so pretty if you lost some weight!" How many times have I heard that in my life? How many times did well meaning relatives, all of whom genuinely loved and cared for me, say something similar? Each time, I internalized it, believed it, made it part of my very DNA, to the point that, even today, I know that I still believe it.
Tuesday evening. Sitting on my desk, partially obstructing my view of the file cabinets directly in front of my office, is a vase containing 12 long stemmed red roses interspersed with purple heather, to which two little stuffed bears carrying conversations hearts have been tied with pink and purple ribbons. I love it! I am an unapologetic romantic, someone who has always gone out of my way to make the person I am with feel incredibly special and appreciated on Valentine's Day, regardless of how I have been treated in return. I have finally found myself a man who outdoes me. The little bears are so cute! You pull them apart and they make a kissing noise, then one bear says to the other, "I loooooooooove you!" Simply adorable! Most wonderful of all is that he used my little pet name for him on the card. I won't say what the name is, so as not to further emasculate the poor man, let us just say that when I first started using it, he would groan and say something about what a nut case I was. Recently, I could tell that he liked it because he just laughed and didn't groan, and then about a week ago, he actually paused after I'd said it and said, "And you're mine!" I just melted. This big grumbly rumbly bear of a man with shoulders wider than most airline seats and mitts so big that my kitty Abby could probably sit comfortably in his palm likes my silly pet name for him. That, truly, is the best Valentine's present ever!!!
I really don't have anything positive to say about my healthy living initiative, so I'm just going to skip it. I will say that Shannin said something on our eDiets support board that I think is right on the money, to whit, I'm taking on too much at once. Curves, OA, meditation, etc, might all be too much, especially given my need for perfection. I'll give that some more thought tonight and, perhaps, post some ideas tomorrow.
In the meantime, everyone be good to one another and remember that nothing is ever really impossible until we stop trying!
Monday night. Yes, it's true, I really did miss each and every one of you lovely people over the weekend. Truly my Internet withdrawals were not a pretty sight. I can get email at home (via Outlook Express) but nothing else from the 'net. Devastating. I kept thinking, "wow, I need to go and write about this," and then I'd remember. I think what I'll do from now until I get Internet Explorer back on its feet is just keep my entries in WordPad over the weekend, email them to myself at work, then post them on Monday.
The quest for a healthier life was not advanced this weekend, sad to say. I'm attempting to change my outlook to a more positive one, so that's all that I'm going to say on that topic. I did join Curves on Friday night and will be going for my first workout tonight, so that's a positive. I did not, however, go to the Overeaters Anonymous meeting later on Friday because I psyched myself out. I have gotten the address for a meeting tonight, in my neighborhood, and am determined to go. Must get this under control!
Work is so strange. I wish that I could post the organizational change email that we got today (with my commentary added) but, of course, I cannot. Suffice it to say that, as I told Chris on his break today, "some got promoted, some got demoted, and some, well, some just got moted and we're still not sure if it's a good thing or bad." I swear, I'm convinced that Scott Adams (of Dilbert fame) worked at VLSCI at one point.
