I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Friday night. OK, so my computer at home is currently experiencing difficulty, which means I probably won't be posting over the weekend unless I fire up my laptop and connect via dial up. (Not likely!) I just wanted to let you all know because I'm certain you'd be fretting until Monday otherwise. Ha ha ha!
Anyway, I didn't binge out for dinner last night (good) but also didn't get in any exercise (needs work). Today I've already been on the treadmill downstairs for my 40 minutes, so that's out of the way. I'm headed to Curves in a few minutes to check it out, then it's off to Overeaters Anonymous to see if the folks there have anything to say that I can relate to. If they are all anorexics or bulimics and I'm twice the size of anyone else in the room, I'll be looking for another meeting pretty quickly. (No offense to anyone suffering from either of those eating disorders, because I know they are devastating, too, I just don't think I could handle being the only one who's fat.)
Speaking of fat, as I was stopped at a red light last night, several teenaged boys loitering on the corner started yelling "cow" at me. I ignored them, kept staring straight ahead, and suddenly remembered how it felt to be a fat teenager. (Note that "fat" in 1980's Orange County, California meant that I weighed 120lbs at 5'2", which is toward the low end of my weight chart, but, whatever!) All of the hurt and insecurity came back until I remembered that I wasn't a teenager anymore and that I had a real job, a real house (not my parents!), commitments, responsibilities, and that I didn't particularly care what a bunch of punk kids with bright futures in front line fast food production think or say about me. With that thought, I headed off to Subway and got a club on wheat, no cheese, no mayo, no oil, extra veggies with vinegar. Mmmm...yummy!
Weeks until Rock and Roll Marathon: 18 Exercise yesterday: None ** NEW ** Goals / Rewards: * Finish Rock and Roll Marathon - in any amount of time / Buy Boden coat * Get my binge eating under control by March 8 / Get a massage at the Flamingo Hilton
Thursday night. Just a quick post to tell you that I found a really great site yesterday that you need to check out, if you haven't already. The Art of Balance is a positive, energetic, and beautifully designed site, maintained by Lynne. Go there and be inspired.
Wednesday morning. It turns out that good intentions are not enough to stop me from bingeing at night. I'm not going to castigate myself (again) here because I've already thrown a million negative, self defeating thoughts at myself and I know that never helps. Suffice it to say that I ate my DietToGo meal, then a bag of microwave popcorn, then four Nutrisystem entrees, then a couple of Nutrisystem desserts and still it wasn't enough. I felt almost defeated by my inability to eat enough food to satisfy me. I know this makes no sense to most of you, so go and read Yvonne's post from this morning. She is articulate and much more in touch with the emotions connected to the need to overeat.
Tuesday afternoon. Well, my run of on plan days ended, sadly, at 5. Last night, just before I left work, I started thinking about bingeing on a big pile of Mexican food from my favorite takeout place, and that's just what I did. I talked to myself (in my head, of course) about why eating properly was important, told myself that I had a DietToGo dinner waiting for me, and still I chose to binge. As I've looked at the "why" of the decision, it seems to be directly related to my need to feel "full". You see, DietToGo meals have about 500 calories each and are contained in 5"x8" containers, so they're not huge (which is, of course, the point!) and don't make me feel "full" when I'm done eating them.
I know that Lori has talked about this unreasonable need that some of us have to feel physically "full" before we stop eating. Last night, I ate and ate until I started to feel uncomfortable. I was proud of myself because I stopped at that point, so I told myself that, although I'd made a huge mistake in bingeing, I'd still stopped myself before I started to feel sick. That little celebration was premature, however, because, once my stomach had settled a little (perhaps 40 minutes later), I went right back and finished everything. Once I'd finished eating the second time, I was feeling truly ill and quite remorseful. That lasted about two hours, at which point I headed for McDonald's for dessert. Yes, after all of that, and still feeling queasy, I ate dessert! This is nuts, people, absolute insanity!!!
This morning, in the cold light of day, I am searching for some sort of answer to this crazy need and I'm willing to try nearly anything. I know that I can't do this on my own, I know that I feel better when I hear that there are others like me and that I'm not some sort of freak, and I know that I will never be able to say, "I'll never binge again," because it's got to be some kind of sickness. All of these factors are incorporated in the Overaters Anonymous program, which I've had experience with only through friends that have been in the program. I don't know if it will help me or not, but it's worth a try, so I'm going to a meeting on Friday night and we'll see how it goes.
Weeks until Rock and Roll Marathon: 18 Exercise yesterday: Day off Days on plan: Working on Day One! Goals / Rewards: * Finish Rock and Roll Marathon in 7:45 or less / Buy Boden coat * Lose 11 pounds by March 9 / Get a massage at the Flamingo Hilton
Monday afternoon. If I'm not careful, this healthy living thing might get to be a habit! I went for a 45 minute walk yesterday and felt wonderful afterwards. Do you realize that I've worked up a sweat for more than 30 minutes on each of the last four days? Yikes! Next week I start my four month marathon training program, so this has to be a pretty quick ramping up, although I'm sure I'm still going to be sore once the longer distances kick in.
I didn't watch the Super Bowl, so I missed the whole hoopla about the half time show. I don't think I'm sorry, either.
I just talked to Tracy and it looks as though I'll be going to Spring Training in Phoenix with her at the end of March. We have a four year old tradition of going out for a weekend and catching as many games while we're there as we can. This visit it looks as though we'll be able to see all of our favorites: Padres (both), Giants (Tracy), and Angels (me). Her father lives in Phoenix, so that makes things a lot easier as far as logistics. I'm going to see if I can find a really fun convertible to rent for the weekend (since I don't have to pay for a hotel).
OK, Tony wants to make a Starbucks run, so enough from me for today.
Weeks until Rock and Roll Marathon: 18 Exercise yesterday: 45 minutes walking Days on plan: 5 Goals / Rewards: * Finish Rock and Roll Marathon in 7:45 or less / Buy Boden coat * Lose 11 pounds by March 9 / Get a massage at the Flamingo Hilton
Yes, it's true. Another day on plan, and it just keeps getting easier. I'm a little nervous about how easy it's been, actually, but I'm not questioning it.
I know the site is a little funky, but I like the colors and the bones of the design. We'll see how much I can "fix up" between now and the end of the month. Don't panic if you hate it because I'll be either back to my everyday look or on to another seasonal theme for March.
Weeks until Rock and Roll Marathon: 18 Exercise yesterday: 40 minutes walking Days on plan: 4 Goals / Rewards: * Finish Rock and Roll Marathon in 7:45 or less / Buy Boden coat * Lose 11 pounds by March 9 / Get a massage at the Flamingo Hilton
