I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Friday afternoon. Today is so much better than yesterday, and yet I think I might have a little hangover from the stress because I still feel dejected and am questioning my validity as a manager. I did have my one on one objective review with one of the contestants in yesterday's free for all, which was charming. She hasn't been performing to the best of her abilities at all, so it was an interesting discussion. I believe that it went pretty well, though, all things considered, and I think she left feeling more energized and motivated. Man, I hope so, because I really hate the thought of writing and giving a negative review, and that's what she's headed for if she doesn't make some changes.
I actually left the building for lunch today (bless you, Tony, for going with me), which made me almost feel like a normal human being. We went to a Mexican place in one of the malls nearby and sat on the patio, which gave us a bird's eye view of the comings and goings in the parking lot. I am pretty appalled at how callous, nasty, and downright unsafe most of the drivers coming into and out of the shopping center were. We saw SUV drivers, on their cellphones (no headset, of course), nearly run over entire families crossing the street, crazy college students taking speedbumps at Warp speed, and brave souls trying to make an unprotected left at a completely uncontrolled intersection. Fortunately, no one died or was seriously hurt while we were there -- I'd hate to have to testify as a witness in the trial, you know?
I seriously hope that this is a joke. I dread to think how demeaning it would be to the "contestants" if it really existed.
I think I need a gingerbread latte from the coffee stand at the front of the building. I'm suffering from post large lunch syndrome and I need a little pick me up. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves while I'm gone.
Friday morning. Just checking email before getting ready for work (also known, affectionately, as dawdling) and I found this. It's a good thing it's funny, though, because it definitely isn't accurate. We have an entire department full of Macs (iMacs, G4s, and G5s) and they never crash. Our Piece of Crap machines crash constantly, get infected with less than charming viruses, and die on a fairly regular basis, but the Macs just keep on rolling. During the last virus outbreak (Blaster, I think), the only people at our facility that could conduct any business for several days while IT straightened out the snarled network, were the Mac users. I know it's considered clever and high tech by most of the industry to bag on Macintosh, but I still say that if more companies would have the cojones to develop software for the Mac and not artificially inflate the price in comparison to the same software for a PC, you'd see Macs take off again.
What's the difference between a Project Manager and the guy at the circus that cleans up after the elephants???
Thursday evening. The answer to the above question is, of course, that the guy at the circus doesn't have to clean up after the elephants while simultaneously keeping 10 plates spinning on sticks and riding a unicycle. Today has been one of those days when I remember how much I loved being an individual contributor.
I have incredibly talented, incredibly creative women on my team. Our team is 100% female, as a matter of fact, including the manager, which would be me. On days like today, I sometimes long for a testosterone-ridden, John Wayne-emulating yahoo, just for the variety. In any case, I came back from a process review meeting today (lots of numbers...LOTS) ready to have a one on one with one of my employees (we'll call her #2) in which we were to review her objectives and her performance against them so far. Instead, I got one of the other employees (#4)sitting down in my guest chair, shutting my door (NEVER a good sign), and unloading on me. It seems that #4 and #1 had a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge blowout while I was in my meeting. A closed door, screaming at each other at the top of their lungs, each person reacting badly to the other person blowout. I spent half an hour with #4, walking her through everything, explaining that #1 is under a lot of pressure right now, that #4 was probably being really sensitive and taking what #1 said out of context, and that #4 should give #1 some space for a while. Fine. Then I go over to #1's office to let her know that I'm going to postpone her objective review until next week when she starts to get teary eyed, tells me that she wants to go home, and that she really needed the meeting that I was cancelling. So, I got to close her door and stand there talking her through the whole thing, too. More tears, more "she yelled at me", more "I don't want to work with her anymore", more me saying that what was needed was space and some time to move forward. An hour later, I finally got to have my original review meeting with #2.
I want to go home. I don't want to play any more. To everyone that thinks being a manager is a piece of cake, I give you...Exhibit A. Everyone gets to be infantile or inflammatory or emotional or irrational except me. I'm the manager, I just get to go home and drink!
So said Denise on 5:37 PM # | 0 comments
Thursday morning. I'm waiting for the plumber person to show up (some time between nine and noon - bleah!), so, of course, I'm dinking around on my computer, wasting time that I should be using to shower and make myself presentable. Anyway...I found this picture of myself from last Christmas. I think I remember how to post pictures on this thing...we shall see!
So, you can definitely tell that I had a few glasses of wine (note rosiness of cheeks) and that someone else did my makeup (blue eyeshadow), but I thought I was pretty stylin' that evening, although I was terribly self conscious. Why self conscious? Because the dress was floor length, had a little puddle of satin on the floor behind me, and drew a lot of attention from others. Attention from others always makes me self conscious. Anyway, I'll have to have someone take another one at this year's party so that we can compare. (Won't that be fun?)
Wednesday afternoon. I decided to watch"The Simple Life" last night on Fox, albeit with some misgivings. I mean, honestly, you know how bad reality TV is, and you can see how this show is going to play out from a million miles away. That being said, I loved it! As I said to Chris on the phone last night, it reminds me (in a very extreme, exaggerated way) of what it would look like if I were ever to move to Pennington (which is where he lives). These two girls are so out of touch with reality and the family is so countrified that it's just going to be one eye opening moment after another. The only thing that really offended me last night was when Nicole Richie said something like, "let's have a threesome" to Paris Hilton, referring to the teenaged son of the family they're living with. Ewwwwwwww...that's like, almost, incestuous! Other than that, though, I just laughed and laughed. There's another episode on tonight so, if you didn't tune in for the premiere, give it a shot.
Left a message for the Team Diabetes coordinator today in hopes of being able to move my donations to the Suzuki Rock n Roll marathon instead of LA. I haven't heard anything back, so it's just a wait and see thing. If I can't, I'll just do a half marathon at LA and put the donations toward that.
I was reading through an article on weight loss this morning (what else do I ever read about anymore???) which talked about the role being a perfectionist plays in keeping you fat. I know that I am a total perfectionist, which might come as a surprise to my close friends, but it's true. Yes, I am a slacker who never gets anything finished and whose house looks as though it ought to be condemned, and that's how the quest for perfection manifests itself in my life. I don't even bother doing things that I know I won't do well, weight loss included. I get really angry when I try something and it doesn't work; looking stupid in the process just magnifies my anger. Anyway, I've got to fight the mindset that tries to push me toward perfection instead of just being happy that I'm giving it my all.
You know, I'm really sorry that this site has been such a downer lately. I know it's not fascinating to read entry after entry of my introspection, and I appreciate that I still have a few readers left since unleashing the full fury of my angst -- you guys are the best! To anyone reading this who is thinking to themselves, "just shut the f*** up and do it", I can only say that I'm doing my best, which is the only thing I'm capable of.
Sunday night. For the first time since the fires, just over a month ago, I went for a walk today. Not a terribly long walk, and not a very fast one, either, but a walk just the same. It was five miles, an hour and a half, and some of the most beautiful scenery in San Diego (or anywhere, for that matter). Sixty-seven degrees with just a hint of a breeze, stunningly blue skies, and my RCA Lyre tuned in to my favorite radio station, I zoned out and just moved my body. The funny thing is, I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to do it, or that I wouldn't enjoy it, and, to be honest, I did have several moments when I wanted to turn around, but I finished and I'm proud of myself. Of course, to give credit where credit is due, I wouldn't have been out there at all if it hadn't been for Tracy. Last night, while chatting on Yahoo Messenger, she said something like, "so, where are you going to walk tomorrow?" to which I responded, in my most clever fashion, "well, I was thinking about walking to the mailbox and back." Tracy said, "yes, you could do that 327 times," and I, grudgingly, said, "how about I walk from one end of Mission Bay Park to the other and back?" The deal was sealed with hands raised, but no spitting on our palms (that's just so nasty and unhygenic!). Tracy's buying new shoes, I was to walk the park, which I did, so it was a good deal all around. Thanks, Tracy...I "just did it".
Interestingly, I also managed to stay under my calories today, too. I didn't eat my Nutrisystem foods, but I did eat the right amount of calories, so I'm pleased with that.
I think I'm going to take some advice that I heard recently (not that I can remember for the life of me where, exactly, I heard it, so if it was from you, please know that I really appreciate it!) and start putting together all three meals and two snacks the night before, so that I don't have any work to do other than microwave and eat. I just hate rushing around in the morning trying to put together everything I'm meant to eat, so doing it the night before will make my mornings simpler and, hopefully, increase my chances of success. We shall see.
Alright, enough for tonight. In anticipation of a successful plea tomorrow to the Diabetes Team in Training coordinator to let me switch marathons, I'll be counting down to the San Diego Rock n Roll Marathon from now on, in place of LA. Now I can start planning to run LA next year, which was my original dream anyway. Funny how things sometimes work for the better, isn't it?
Weeks until Rock n Roll Marathon: 27 Days until Christmas: 24 Pounds I want to lose before Christmas: 10 (ambitious, aren't I?) Workout today: 90 minutes/5 miles walking
Wednesday afternoon. Do you remember those assignments in grade school that asked you to recall what you'd done on your summer vacation or what America meant to you? Today's entry is my attempt to bring back a little of those good, old days.
Thanksgiving is a day for families, a day of love, of remembering happy things and sad, too. It's about taking a moment to pause in our pell mell rush toward Christmas or Hanukkah or Winter Solstice or Kwanzaa to remember how blessed we are, no matter the challenges we face in our lives.
Many of the holidays on the calendar have gained an unfortunate merchandising tie in which, in my opinion, diminishes them tremendously. Much of this has to do with the media and their obsession with producing segments on "the hottest gifts this holiday season" and so on. The retailers share in this responsibility, too, and who can blame them for trying to take advantage of our need to celebrate by increasing our Visa and Mastercard balances? Who among us wouldn't do the same thing when faced with the opportunity? (Be honest now!) Still and all, it's left us with hyper commercial, homogenized holidays. Except Thanksgiving.
Sandwiched between Halloween, with all of the costumes and candy to buy, and the Christmas/Hanukkah gift giving extravaganza, Thanksgiving is different. There is no requirement to do or buy anything in order to celebrate Thanksgiving. Sure, there is the whole expectation of the ginormous turkey dinner with all of the fixings, but you could just as easily substitute a Big Mac value meal and the holiday wouldn't lose its essential meaning, which is to enjoy a day off with your friends and family, and celebrate life in general for at least one meal. This is why Thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday.
So, to everyone reading this, wherever you are, pause for a moment tomorrow, amidst the family fun and multiple helpings of food, and count your blessings. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
[Note that I wrote this on Wednesday and when I tried to save a draft of it, Blogger "ate" it. It reappeared tonight (Sunday), so I'm publishing it now. I know it's a little late, but it really is the thought that counts, isn't it???]
