I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Tuesday afternoon. Well, now I know how Dorothy felt when she had to go back to Kansas after her adventures in the technicolor extravaganza that was Oz. I love it here in San Diego, don't get me wrong, but it all feels so different now because C isn't here with me. Listening to his voice on the phone when I called on my layover in Dallas last night, I could tell without even seeing his face that he felt my loss in the same way, too. Of course, we both know that, Lord willing, we'll be together again very soon, and that's not what's making me blue...it's just the physical ache of his not being here with me. I cannot even fathom what it will be like once things pick up here at work and we won't be able to visit each other for six months. Yikes!
Sunday night. I came here hoping that what I felt in my heart to be true would withstand closer (in person) scrutiny. I hoped that nothing I saw or felt while I was here would diminish the incredible love, peace, and, yes, grace, that I've felt for C nearly from the first time we spoke. I never dreamt that that it would expand, grow, change, and spread its wings, like twining tendrils, throughout every part of my being. How could I have dreamt such a thing, for I didn't believe that more than the simple, straightforward, Hallmark inspired definition of love existed? I am here to tell you, gentle readers, that not only does something deeper than mere love exist...it lives inside me now.
There is a passage in the Bible which says "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." (1 Corinthians 13, verse 11); this is how I feel today. The girl I was just a month ago couldn't have comprehended what I feel when I look at him, when I talk to him, even when I'm NOT looking at or thinking of him. The change is pervasive, all encompassing...it changes everything. I feel like Miranda in "The Tempest" when she says, "O, wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world, That has such people in't!" (The Tempest Act V, Scene 1). I look around and everything seems new and beautiful. Now, part of that might just be because this is one of the prettiest areas I've ever been in, but it's more than just the simple beauty of my surroundings. It's as though I experience everything with more intensity, more passion...more Grace. Yes, I'm here to tell you that what I thought passed for grace before was a pale shadow of what I feel right now. No matter what happens, for the rest of my life, I will always know that I have felt real love for someone that loves me, too, and that is, after all, the point of this exercise called life, isn't it?
