Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Discouraged but unbroken

And just like that, after weeks of just being content - not too happy, not sad - suddenly, tonight after dinner, I'm feeling the familiar pull of depression. The seductive song that tells me to just let go because it's not worth fighting it off. I can think of several reasons for this "relapse" including hormones but it doesn't matter because I'm not giving in. Do you hear that, depression, I'm not giving in!

Yes, it's unsettling to realize how easily I could let myself go back there and it's real work to keep myself on the un-crazy side of that fine line, but I know what it looks like so I know how to fight it. And I'm fighting. Inside my head, inside my heart, I just keep telling myself that I'm not alone, I'm not a failure, and other people's bad moods are not (always) my fault so there's no need to let them knock me off the rails.

I'm a sensitive person and I always seem to try to "fix" everyone's bad moods but that's got to stop. It's going to stop, do you hear?!! I'm 44 years old now, for goodness sake, and it's time that I started to leave others to their bad/sad/angry moods and just worry about me. So, if you want to be a jerk and make me feel bad about myself, that's on you because I'm not playing anymore.

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