Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Lost in thought

Since my last, very good check in with my doctor, things have gone badly downhill in terms of self-care. I'm binge eating, eating terrible foods that I know are not good for me (like french fries and onion rings and I'm not exercising at all. Other than the 5K I did on September 3rd, I've basically done nothing in months. Really, months. This is not good.

I am diabetic. I am about 100 pounds over my ideal weight, most of which is carried in my stomach, at my waist. This is particularly bad because it inhibits my desire and ability to exercise.

I told my diabetes educator, back in May at our last check-in, that I was grateful for the second chance I'd been given. She asked me what I meant by that and I told her that while I'd been diagnosed with diabetes back in 1996, I'd basically ignored that fact and my health in general from 1998 when my divorce became final and this past year. For a diabetic to ignore her blood sugar and not have any appointments with medical professionals for over 10 years and apparently avoid any major complications is a miracle, and I was taking it as a sign that I needed to get my act together again before that changed.

And what happened instead? I had a great check-in and then completely fell apart. What the heck?

I don't know what pushed me into free fall but I know that I'm there. And every morning I resolve to stop this crap and start taking care of myself again only to go to bed angry and frustrated with my lack of progress.

I need to stop binge eating. I need to stop eating crappy food that doesn't nourish my body and elevates my blood sugar. I need to use the wonderful gym at work that is free for me in order to walk on the treadmill and ride the stationary bike. (I am registered for a 15 mile bike ride in November and I'm not going to be able to do that if I don't get on a bike very, very soon.)

It doesn't really matter, in the end, why this is happening, only that I make it stop. To that end, I'm going to a Diabetes and Depression class tonight with TCB, to start dealing with the craziness in my head. I just want to be able to make a plan and stick with it. To go through the day without feeling guilty for not being able to stop eating crap. To be able to focus on something - anything! - other than what a worthless excuse for a human being I am.

2 comments:

Cammy@TippyToeDiet said...

I hope you find the insight you need in your class, Denise. Because you are NOT worthless--far from it!--and you deserve to feel better.

Tina @ Faith Fitness Fun said...

I can so relate to this. I have been there too. As Cammy said above, you deserve more. You ARE worth it...and you CAN defeat these demons. I have gone through binge eating as well and openly share about my journey on my blog too. I know from experience that that in itself takes courage and is a step in the right direction.

I'm sending you a huge virtual hug!