I'm angry and I'm not comfortable with that, but it's true.
I started walking on the treadmill at work yesterday intending to tune out by watching a favorite TV show while I walked off 300 calories but then someone else walked in and I'd forgotten my headphones. So I was mad at him (for being there) and mad at myself (for forgetting my headphones).
And I started telling myself that I shouldn't be mad, that it would all be OK and that I should choose a better attitude. But then I remembered that I'm supposed to be feeling my emotions without judgment, so I walked and contemplated my anger. And I got more and more angry as I walked.
Here's how things progressed:
* I realized that I'd forgotten my heart rate monitor and I was mad at myself because I wouldn't be able to tell how hard I was working without tuning in to my body. Plus I was losing out on 60 points toward my Virgin Health Miles account
* I started feeling resentful about the fact that I was "forced" to walk 3.3 miles per hour instead of my usual, comfortable 3.0 mph because I'm training for the Disneyland Fun Run 5K. (Don't bug me with the logic of the fact that I chose to sign up for the 5K even after I knew about the speed requirement. NO logic!) Even as the slight pain in my lower back and hips dissipated, my anger just continued to grow
* As I walked and marinated in my anger, the real root of my feelings became apparent: I'm angry because I'm forced to deal with my diabetes again.
I was diagnosed when I was 29 years old - just over 15 years ago! - and made major changes in my life at that time. Strict diet and exercise regimens were imposed overnight without any thought of other options. And I lost 110 pounds in nine months. I even managed to maintain that loss and the lifestyle changes for over a year before it all unraveled. But the truth is that it required constant vigilance and obsession in order for me to keep it going because it wasn't a lifestyle change, it was a diet and exercise regimen. And regimens have a beginning and an end.
But now, after essentially ignoring my diabetes for over a decade, I'm forced to deal with it once again and I know that I can't just go into "command and control" mode because that won't work long-term. So I need to deal with the underlying issues that make me abuse food and gain this huge amount of weight over and over again. And I don't WANT to do that. I don't WANT to feel crappy and cry and question my self worth. I just want to eat and eat and eat until it goes away. And I definitely DO NOT want to walk on a treadmill at 3.3 mph (increasing to 3.6 mph in two more weeks) which makes my body hurt a little bit. I don't WANT even a little bit of discomfort - not mental discomfort, not physical discomfort...NONE.
And, strangely enough, just realizing how angry I was and why...made me a little less angry.