Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Scared of the dark

Depression sucks the joy out of life. Sometimes it seems to suck even the LIFE out of life. Everything is too hard. Life itself is too hard. And the worst part is that you don't immediately realize that it - depression - is back until it comes to you that it's 9:00 am on a Monday and you're standing in the courtyard outside your front door, crying, because the dog won't go to the bathroom so that you can go to work.

But that little gem is just the culmination of days (maybe even weeks) of craziness. Panic attacks because the house is such a cluttered mess. Blowing up at your husband for a thoughtless comment and screaming, "Why don't you just divorce me, then?" at the top of your lungs, while driving. Deciding that you just can't carry your dirty laundry to the hamper inside the closet and just leaving it on the ground in the bathroom instead. Eating like crap. Not exercising. At all.

Everything piles on and on and on until you are surrounded by darkness. Angry, scary darkness. And you just don't know - or care - how to get better.

But just like when you were five years old and scared to be alone in your room in the dark, the way to get through the darkness is to turn on a light. For five year old me that took the form of an awesome night light in my room. At forty-three the solution isn't as obvious and the stakes are so much higher.

1 comment:

Deidre said...

Oh darlin', I'm so there lately too. I just keep telling myself, trough now, amazing happy peak later. Or at least I hope so. It's like running/walking, you just keep putting feet forward until it gets easier.