Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It feels like a seesaw

Bipolar disorder. It sounds really serious, but not as serious as the old name: manic depressive disorder. I suffer from bipolar disorder. I am bipolar. However I say it, it still really scares me, even though I apparently "only" have the milder form, Bipolar II Disorder.

Everything is a blur at this point - possibly/probably not unrelated to the disease - and I struggle between wanting to just shut it away in a box somewhere and just carry on as I have been and realizing that I am putting myself, my job, and my marriage at risk if I don't take steps to control things inside my head.

The strangest thing is to realize that I have no idea how long I've been like this because most of the time it just feels like "normal" to me. Certainly I've known I suffered from depression for a good while now...at least five years of awareness...but as recently as two weeks ago, I assured my therapist that I couldn't possibly be bipolar because I never get the super high, high manic feelings. Turns out that you don't have to be super high to be manic because there's something called Hypomania which is a mild form of mania, but it still creates manic thoughts inside my head.

I think that's what has me so freaked out: something - probably genetic - is controlling my thoughts and bouncing me between the depression and the mania on a regular basis. Seriously, this is just weird and also frightening (and also incurable, only treatable). But I'm trying not to panic (tough to do when your mind doesn't obey your will) and just wait to talk to my therapist again this weekend.

On a positive note, I almost couldn't care any less about my weight or binge eating any more. Ugh!

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