Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Day 38, 224 to go - Imagine your worst fear coming true

Wow, I didn't realize how long it's been since I came here to write. I'd love to say it's because my life is so full of fun and happiness that I couldn't find the time, but that would be lying. The truth is that I've been fighting with myself about my future, the rest of my life, and how to eat/move so that I can lose at least 62 more pounds and keep it off forever. In the course of my time away, I've moved too little and eaten too much - including a bout with a large tub of movie popcorn that I'll be regretting on weigh-in day, I'm sure! - and I'm not sure I'm any closer to knowing what to do than I was when last I blogged.

Here's what I know:
1. I still want to eat large quantities of food in one sitting, even if it's healthy food. I feel this terrible sense of panic when I take a single, small serving of some food that I love, as if the rest will not be there when I go back for more tomorrow. When I stand back and observe this behavior it makes me sad because I see a little girl who is scared and alone, and uses food as a substitute for the love and companionship she doesn't get.

2. I had my blood taken for a full panel of tests on Monday morning and I'm hoping to hear the results very soon. In the meantime, I went to the ophthalmologist last night and my retina shows no damage from my years of ignorning my diabetes. I have no right to such a positive result and, in some ways, I feel guilty. Guilty but not guilty enough that I won't take it. I celebrated by getting a fabulous pair of glasses for reading and night driving plus some awesome sunglasses with my prescription in them.

3. I ate real food several times since Sunday night and I didn't die. I am eating back on program right now although I don't know how much longer I'll be following the program exactly as designed. I don't know that I want to torment myself with cravings for healthy food (which is most of what I'm having now) when it ought to be find in moderation. Frankly, now that I'm trying to pay attention to my blood sugar and diabetes, most of the program food options are not good ones in terms of number of carbohydrates per meal. I thought about switching over to medifast but their program espouses a bunch of small "meals" which aren't really meals so much as they are several (very tasty-looking) snacks. I just don't think that eating more often is going to help me think less about food or fight off my desire to eat large quantities of food. I'm mulling over the idea of transitioning at some point (not sure when) to eating on program for breakfast and lunch then having a healthy, low-fat/low-carb dinner, but I know that will slow my weight loss and possibly mess up my blood sugar for a while, too, so I'm not sure when I want to transition, but I'm thinking about it.

4. I can't wait until I get to hop on a plane and go to FitBloggin in Baltimore, where I'll meet Taylor. Fifteen more days and then LOOK OUT BALTIMORE!

I need to shower and get ready to start my day, so I'll close. I need to do a job around the health-o-sphere this afternoon to get some crazy inspiration from all of you and your fabulous journeys to health, so will everyone please post an update today, just for me? Thanks! (LOL)

1 comment:

chrissie said...

The only thing that I know about diabetes is that Stacey from The Babysitter's Club had it and some people were jerks too her about it and didn't want to be her friend after they found out. Which is not to say that it's your job to school me on what it is but...

What plan is it that you're eating on? I know that eating is one of those things that people with diabetes have to monitor...