It started after I'd come home but before dinner...a feeling of dread and almost panic: tomorrow I start a diet. I haven't even tried to diet with any real intention since 2005 when I met both Alcott and TCB, and I'm scared.
Scared of losing control over what I eat which would be laughable if it weren't so sad since my eating has been completely out of control for years. Of course, I control the out-of-controlness at this point instead of diet and nutrition experts, but still...
Scared of not being ready enough to start this and then failing. Conversely, I'm also simultaneously scared of succeeding, so that's OK. (Not.)
Scared of not knowing what to do if I can't binge. Not that I do always binge, but I've known that I could...that it was safe to do so, for at least the last 4-1/2 years. And now I won't be able to, and what will I do with myself when I'm bored or happy or sad or angry or simply have nothing better to do?
Scared of the empty feeling I get when I can't eat whatever I feel like. Empty, dark, and anxious.
I don't know if I'm ready to start tomorrow. I haven't done any meal prep, I'm not sure when I'll get in my 30 minute walk, and I'm seriously freaking out about the diet. Maybe I should wait until Thursday to start...it's the start date I gave the diet center to synchronize my re-orders, I don't risk not being able to do yoga because my blood sugar is too low...maybe Thursday is a much better idea. Or maybe if I put it off until Thursday, I'll put it off forever.
Gah, I don't know what to do. I'm going to pull TCB's work clothes out of the dryer in 15 minutes, hang them up, and then go to sleep...we'll see how the morning feels.