Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I'm scared

It started after I'd come home but before dinner...a feeling of dread and almost panic: tomorrow I start a diet. I haven't even tried to diet with any real intention since 2005 when I met both Alcott and TCB, and I'm scared.

Scared of losing control over what I eat which would be laughable if it weren't so sad since my eating has been completely out of control for years. Of course, I control the out-of-controlness at this point instead of diet and nutrition experts, but still...

Scared of not being ready enough to start this and then failing. Conversely, I'm also simultaneously scared of succeeding, so that's OK. (Not.)

Scared of not knowing what to do if I can't binge. Not that I do always binge, but I've known that I could...that it was safe to do so, for at least the last 4-1/2 years. And now I won't be able to, and what will I do with myself when I'm bored or happy or sad or angry or simply have nothing better to do?

Scared of the empty feeling I get when I can't eat whatever I feel like. Empty, dark, and anxious.

I don't know if I'm ready to start tomorrow. I haven't done any meal prep, I'm not sure when I'll get in my 30 minute walk, and I'm seriously freaking out about the diet. Maybe I should wait until Thursday to start...it's the start date I gave the diet center to synchronize my re-orders, I don't risk not being able to do yoga because my blood sugar is too low...maybe Thursday is a much better idea. Or maybe if I put it off until Thursday, I'll put it off forever.

Gah, I don't know what to do. I'm going to pull TCB's work clothes out of the dryer in 15 minutes, hang them up, and then go to sleep...we'll see how the morning feels.

7 comments:

running2me said...

How are you doing today? I'm hoping that either you just dove in or you are in planning mode!! You WILL DO THIS!!! As I've read in other places...."Being overweight is hard. Losing weight is hard. Maintaining weight loss is hard. Choose your hard." or something like that, anyway ;-)

gingersnapper said...

Take it easy, sweetie! No matter how trite to say this, it really is one day at a time. You're not starting a diet - you're making good food choices today. You're not walking every day for the rest of your life, you're getting some activity today. Little bites, baby steps...

xoxo

lisah said...

Thinking of you with hope that you had a good day, no matter what your choice was.

Patricia said...

Hi, Denise - like you, I lost and then regained many pounds (85 for me). I spent a couple of years alternating between beating myself up with guilt and stuffing my face while hibernating on the couch. Finally, encroaching health problems made me decide to take some positive steps. I'm on week three of trying to reclaim control of eating and exercise, of life really, again. So, I will be cheering you on. Small steps, big steps - as long as you're moving in the right direction, steps are steps. Take care and be gentle with yourself! May your heart be steadfast!

Bonnie @ Salad Craze said...

I'm thinking of you too! Yes, a new lifestyle or way of thinking can be scary! Just succumb to peer pressure this time... Just Do It!

loveshates said...

Don't worry yourself so much, it will all come together. You know you are starting tomorrow, so you have made the first step. Make tomorrow your planning day. Eat oatmeal for breakfast and while you do plan the meals for the rest of the day. Small steps, that is how it all works-right?

Creed said...

I know what you mean, or at least I think I do. Well, I have always wanted to start a diet and when I do get into one, I fail it all by eating too much the following weekend. It's like I feel I have been good going on a diet so far and I should probably cheat this weekend and give in too a little sugar-craving... but a little bacame too much because I don't know when to stop. And now instead of losing, I've gained 8kgs in the past 7 months and I feel so demoralised!