Monday, February 02, 2009

Nowhere to run

I've written here about the fact that I suffer from depression. I've also written about being diagnosed with compulsive overeating disorder and the feelings of panic that I have whenever I try to restrict my food. If you combine both of those mental disorders with financial problems, you get to where I am now: a fidgeting, compulsively itching all over, unable to concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes, mess. I'm stressed to the max about not having any money, which (among other things) means I can't buy food to deal with the stress, which stresses me out even more, and so on and so on.

Why can't I be smarter than this? Why can't I stop spending money? Why can't I be happy just to be alive and lucky in love and employed and have amazing parents who love me no matter what and a beautiful, gorgeous house? I always want something more than I have right at this very moment...there's always something missing. I have three beautiful cats and I still want the one who's not here anymore. I have more clothes than any one person should have/need and I still pine for "just one more dress for work". I have an amazing, understanding, financially stable husband and I still want...well, I guess wanting him home isn't such a completely unreasonable wish.

UPDATE @ 6:15 p.m. on Tuesday: At Danelle's suggestion, I've listed four items to sell on eBay. If they all sell, I'll get over $200 which will come in very handy at this point. Also, my husband directed me to a money market account which had enough money in it to save my behind for a little while. (Don't worry, Honey, there's still some left in there. And wow, the teller was so super-nice when I told her that I was completely out of money with my husband somewhere in the South Pacific.) All of this is a round-about way of saying that I'm doing a little better than yesterday and thank you to those who took the time to write and encourage me - you guys are awesome.

4 comments:

Daisy said...

You need some spiritual-based peace girl! Check out spirituality.com and abraham-hicks.com. They come at sorta the same thing with different vocabularies.

One simple thing I try to do when I find myself stressing is to attempt to focus on gratitude. I think it comes to you naturally - you mention all the things you're grateful for.

Breathe!!

I wish you all the best!

Nell said...

I sell things on ebay when I get like that. I've sold 4 things this week!

LG said...

One of the worse temps jobs I ever had was when I was at my poorest and had lots of free time to calculate, refigure, etc. my bills and lack of income.

I really want to buy things now too and I have no money really to blow (and shouldn't use my CCs). I remind myself, like you do, that I have more clothes than I need, nice cats, nice BF, parents, friends...but we're still trying to fill some void.

I like the idea of reminding ourselves of things to be grateful and appreciating what we do have. I don't know about you but I have a tendency of reacting rather than acting and that might be one of the keys to help me.

Can you see someone about some therapy for your depression? That might help lessen the mental load you're carrying.

PS Love the tiara and jealous of your work companions. They sound WAY cool (as do you!)

The Peanut said...

i think it's only human that we want more all the time. in a way, it's what pushes us to be better people too. i'm happy for you that your hubby is coming home soon. :)