Have you ever felt yourself teeter on the edge of sanity and wonder if it wouldn't be easier to stop fighting it and just let go? I spent much of yesterday fighting the overwhelming urge to give in to the darkness, the desperation, and to give up fighting for normalcy. I'm tired...so, so tired, and I just couldn't see anything good waiting on the other side of the abyss. For the last few years, it's been bad every month for about 10 days but it hasn't been this bad, ever.
I want my husband home. I want my cat to be healthy or at least healthier again. I don't want to have to worry about being laid off or fired. I don't want to have to worry about bankruptsy or foreclosure. I don't want to think about my parents' mortality, or my own. I just spin and bounce from one worry to another with no respite. There must be respite...I must have respite.
I cannot continue to marinate in my own misery. Life is not meant to be merely survived. There has to be joy and I must find some of it and make it my own. Perhaps medication will be the answer, perhaps not. Something must change...perhaps me.