Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Sad, sadder, saddest

Have you ever felt yourself teeter on the edge of sanity and wonder if it wouldn't be easier to stop fighting it and just let go? I spent much of yesterday fighting the overwhelming urge to give in to the darkness, the desperation, and to give up fighting for normalcy. I'm tired...so, so tired, and I just couldn't see anything good waiting on the other side of the abyss. For the last few years, it's been bad every month for about 10 days but it hasn't been this bad, ever.

I want my husband home. I want my cat to be healthy or at least healthier again. I don't want to have to worry about being laid off or fired. I don't want to have to worry about bankruptsy or foreclosure. I don't want to think about my parents' mortality, or my own. I just spin and bounce from one worry to another with no respite. There must be respite...I must have respite.

I cannot continue to marinate in my own misery. Life is not meant to be merely survived. There has to be joy and I must find some of it and make it my own. Perhaps medication will be the answer, perhaps not. Something must change...perhaps me.

3 comments:

LG said...

Several things leap up at me.

1. Definitely talk to a doctor but remember, the first few weeks of antidepressants can be worse than the initial depression -- so please talk to him/her about this.

2. I'm sure that there are other women whose husbands are on ships and organizations of spouses behind -- you should contact them and get with a support group. I'm thinking quite honestly, that it would be a good thing for you to be with other women/families. It won't change that the TCB isn't there but you won't feel alone. And I'm imagining that you could meet another single mom with kids and go do something fun like a day at Disneyland. It would be a respite (assuming you like rides but you could find something else to do).

3. Can you do something fun with Alford and his family (much like #2)?

I really am worried about you; I know how lonely I have been in the past when I've been by myself and I have elderly parents too. If it wouldn't embarrass me, I'd tell you how much $$ I have in my accounts to make you laugh! (Think low two figures!)

TCB loves you and he misses you terribly; he's also with a bunch of guys/gals who miss their families too. It stinks and seeing the bright side can only work for so long -- and you're allowed to cry and be sad. And then you figure out how to pick yourself up and go forward.

LOVE

Bluegrass Mama said...

LG pretty much said it all! Take care of yourself, Denise. I have friends whose lives have been saved by anti-depressants. If you decide to try them, remember that they take awhile and that they all work differently. If one doesn't work, you may need to try another.

Anne M. said...

((( Big Hugs ))) LG said it well. I've been through some of it myself and meds did help over time to keep me even, but it takes time to get the right stuff in the right dose. I'd still schedule an appt with a doctor because I think the meds can make a huge difference.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers.