Friday, October 17, 2008

My mother thinks I'm fat

I had the strangest realization while my mom was visiting: she is sad that I'm fat.

A couple of events brought me to my revelation:

First, we were watching an episode of Flip this House on A&E when Lori, the team member from New Haven, Connecticut, appeared on screen. Mom said, "Looks, she has such a cute face...just like you." And she was sad when she said it. She's fat, I'm fat, fat is bad - message received.

Next, we were watching the intro for How to Look Good Naked with Carson Kressley which features women of various sizes stripping to their bra and underwear. Mom looked at it wide-eyed, asked, "Do they do this every week?" and then said, "How disgusting. I'm going to bed." Wow, these women have better bodies than mine if you look at them with the conventional "thin is better" mindset and you're disgusted by them?

A few months ago, I would have taken Mom's implied criticism as a call for change. I would have been hurt and sad, and I would have burned with shame. This weekend, I just let her have her opinion and said nothing. (She's nearly 70 years old. I won't change her opinions and it just doesn't matter, so why upset her?) I know that I'm comfortable with who I am, how I look, and how I feel. I dress becomingly more often than not. I've purged ugly, schlumpy clothes from my closet and banished the thoughts that made me turn to them. I've actually worn makeup (just foundation, under eye concealer, and mascara) most days this week. Old thoughts are just that...old, and also unnecessary.

This, I think, is growth.

5 comments:

Sueellen said...

Good for you!! Learning to accept who you are and loving who you are is the best! Hope you have a great week!

Cindy N. said...

It's been a long time since I have read your blog, but I always enjoyed it when I read before. I am trying to get back into reading again. Life has been so busy. I am glad you didn't let your Mom's comments bother you. I wish my Mom was still around to make comments. I miss her so very much. It's nice to read your blog again.

kitty said...

ugh! my mother is ALWAYS making insensitive comments like that... only she's SO self absorbed I don't think she even realizes she's talking to a fat person haaaa

anyway... I just love your whole attitude... it really is an inspiration to get my own head out of my butt and start loving myself more!! :)

LG said...

I'm glad you didn't let your mom's comments bother you.

You know, it's also possible that she doesn't see YOU in the same light.

You're right that at her age, it's unlikely she'll change her mind. Every time I've seen your photo, you always have the nicest outfits, hairdos, etc. You look fab!

XOXO

Niki said...

I don't know how I stumbled in here but I am glad I did! I have read a bunch of your posts and this one really hit me. I am 5-9 and a size 14. My mother is 5-7 and a size 12 and somehow this gives her the permission to comment on my weight constantly! Grrrr.... What is with these women?? I am happy, secure, financially stable with a man who loves me and my 2 fantastic kids and she can still bring me down by making me feel 12 again. Argh!!

I like your writing and your blog. I can't wait for your husband to come home!