Friday, August 15, 2008

When will it stop?

Not unlike the heat I'm (not) getting used to in my new neighborhood, there's been an emotional cloud over me for the last two or three weeks which is also oppressive and makes me cry with frustration.

Part of it is hormonal and visits me every month, but this one is different: deeper, more sinister, leaving me feeling as though there's a vice grip around my chest when I leave work every night and only really relaxing when I fall (literally) into bed at 9:30. (Seriously, TCB, I'm going to bed no later than 9:30 p.m. without anyone forcing me.) I try to fight the feeling of utter exhaustion and desperation for relief, but just keep giving up and going to bed early because that's all that works. Thank goodness I'm still able to sleep because there's a ton of stuff going on at work and with the State Public Affairs Committee, and I am no good to anyone if I don't sleep.

I've had to give one difficult employee review already this week (yesterday) and then there's a review today that shouldn't be difficult (because it's positive) but the employee is simply exhausting on a good day, and so the prospect of an hour spent in her company in a closed-door session makes me want to run home and cry. Seriously, I'm sitting here contemplating how much trouble I'd get it if I went home sick today. But I can't and I won't and it wouldn't do any good anyway because I'd only be postponing the misery.

My shoulder is killing me with the bursitis that won't stop until the stress does. My right hip is so painful that taking the stairs at work is no longer an option and walking up to bed takes about 5 minutes as I pause before lifting it at each riser. My front tooth is about to fall out and hurts almost constantly.

If only I could take a complete vacation from everything for a day. I really think that just a day of not thinking about all of this or living in pain would help me get started back on the path of normalcy. If I could just stop the carousel of craziness, perhaps I could establish a foothold on reality again. No weekend activities. No out of town guests. No phone calls from well-meaning friends that just stress me out because no one wants to hear my current answer to, "How's it going?" And then one more day for me to catch up on all of the "to-do" items. Two days. Perhaps this weekend?