Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Now what?

So, what does the day after Independence Day look like? Turns out to be much like the days before it. I sent the following paragraph to TCB this morning, in response to a comment from him on yesterday's post:

As to my public decision to stop dieting and exercising in order to lose weight, that's really about the mindset with which I approach my life. I'm tired of feeling not good enough for the last 27 years because of my waist size and allowing that inadequacy to overrule every other good thing. Part of that resolve is that I need to take care of myself as I am without feeling as though I can't love or care for myself properly until I get on a diet and start exercising. I fully intend to make appointments with the dentist and doctor (although not simultaneously) to take care of the problems that I know of (diabetes and gum disease) as well as scheduling time for the preventative tests I have put off since my birthday last year (colonoscopy and mammorgram). If I'm going to love myself enough to stop the degenerative cycle of self-hate and fear of my own inadequacy, taking care of myself and my health maintenance/protection obligations has to be a cornerstone of my life.

So, it's a little scary, putting on my big girl panties and doing things I've been putting off in favor of worrying about not losing weight. The dentist thing especially has me terrified but it simply must be dealt with. (I'm going with a dentist who uses sedation dentistry because they can supposedly deal with folks who have panic attack issues - hello, here I am! - without shots or gas. We shall see.) Equally important is getting checked out to see how my diabetes is doing. (Cooking along nicely, I'm sure.)

That one's going to be tough because you just know the first thing they're going to say is that I need to go on a strict diet and exercise regimen, and I'm going to have to push back and say that I need eating guidelines that I can put into action that won't trigger binges or fall by the wayside in a month when I'm tired of weighing and measuring. Again, eating for a lifetime is not compatible with pulling out a scale or measuring cups while preparing lunch...that's a cop-out. A good dietician or nutritionist should be able to give me some basic guidelines (eat these foods sparingly, eat as much as you want of these foods, and avoid these foods completely whenever possible) as well as setting me up with some meal ideas that will work with those precepts. For exercise, now that I don't feel pressure to walk at a certain pace or get all nasty and sweaty, perhaps I might be more inclined to go out and take a stroll around the neighborhood. Not a powerwalk. Not anything that makes my body hurt. A stroll. Gentle and relaxing.

I guess what I'm saying is that I know this path I'm on might not be the fastest way to deal with my physical ailments (particularly diabetes) but it's one that I can live with, even if it means that I don't have as much time. It can't be about quantity...none of us control that, so I'm spending whatever time I have enjoying the heck out of my wonderful life. I have to hope that the lowered stress as a result plus the endorphins that come from being happy will counteract whatever damage my non-adherence to strict diet and exercise might do. (That's not as crazy as it sounds because I know hormones are linked to stress and insulin is a hormone.)

I also want to add that I'm not judging anyone who is able to commit to a lifetime of weighing and measuring food plus sticking to a workout regimen - heck, I salute you for the commitment you're making and the discipline you exhibit. What I'm writing about is strictly in terms of my own life and my own commitment...live and let live sounds really good as far as I'm concerned.

3 comments:

kitty said...

I think it's funny that you seem to be exactly where I am as far as the whole weight loss/exercise/living better thing goes
I'm so ready to take steps to get healthy/healthier
baby steps!! stop beating myself up if I don't push myself to the extreme (everything must be extremes with me)

be proud of myself for just getting up off my butt and moving - any walk is better than no walk!! do I have to sweat every time?? hehehe

I freakin' HATE sweating... for ANY reason!!

anyway I'm sick of beating myself up and I'm sick of lying to myself - when I set unreasonable goals it's as good as lying to myself and what could be more damaging?

anyway - thanks for writing what I'm thinking =)

Dad24Cats said...

Life is what you make it. Live it the way you and die happy.

MARLA said...

Denise, these last two posts are the strongest things I've ever read from you. You sound like you've really made an enormous change in your attitudes and beliefs that is going to benefit you in a lot of ways. I love how you wrote that you already are happy-- how wonderful to realize that!

I know you're pointing to me a little bit in that last paragraph :-) I love you too, and you know I am all about the live and let live!