Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Feeling your feelings, what a concept!

Some of you who follow me on Twitter were "with" me last week when I had a breakdown/epiphany. I was anxious and restless at home, kept checking the refrigerator to see what was there (nothing), checking the TV to see if anything interesting was on (it wasn't), cruised my favorite shopping websites (nothing interesting to buy), and finally decided to drive around until I found some source of inspiration (food or shopping) to make the anxiety and discomfort go away.

It was on my third circle around my local shopping center (seriously, even with the crazy price of gas!) that I realized I was lonely and I missed my husband. That realization was soon followed by another one: I won't have my husband home again for 9-1/2 months. The anxiety ramped up to fever pitch and I started kicking my feet and punching my fists into the air just because I couldn't keep still. It was at this point that I decided I'd better find a parking space.

Very good decision as I soon began to make loud, uncontrollable, unintelligible noises like a wounded animal, which was followed closely by uncontrollable sobbing. I was hyperventilating, too, which I soon realized was due to my attempts to control the emotions I was feeling: as soon as I gave in to it, my breathing improved. Huh, imagine that...relinquish my fictitious control of how I'm feeling - stop setting a script in my head for how things "ought" to be - and it all suddenly calms down? Seeing any parallels, Denise?

I'm taking this whole episode as a good sign that Declaring my Independence from weight loss obsession is working. I can feel things inside me moving where once they were blocked: light, energy, happiness, sadness. Loving myself as I am means loving everything and every experience because it is who and what I am, and I am wonderful. And happy. And sad sometimes, too...and that's OK because I'll be happy again once I'm done with the sadness.

No more Band-Aids to cover up my deficiencies - perfection not necessary!

2 comments:

Dad24Cats said...

You know people wonder why I won't stick it out here another year alone to try to advance up the food chain. Can you put a price tag on happiness, I know I can and advancing and making a few hundrend a more a month is not worth it.

Separation is not easy but we deal with it because it is a necessary part of life.

yvonne said...

I'm glad you're still writing. I've been avidly following your independence. You rock!!

XOXO