Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Most demoralizing day ever

I ended my work day yesterday by sending the following text message to TCB:

"I miss you so much. pls tell me that you love me. worst dy evr"

Man alive, yesterday sucked. Today was 100 times better although I still have a stress and anxiety hangover from yesterday. I left work an hour late which meant that I had to dial into a Junior League conference call (which I chair) from my cell phone. Now, for those not in California, we now have to have our cell phones attached to a hands-free device when driving. So, I found the slip of paper with the call information on it, dialed the number on my cell, and put the car into drive. At that point, the cell phone slipped onto the floor and I realized that (for unknown reasons) the call was going through on the handset instead of the speakerphone thingy on my visor. I'm screaming obscenities as I try to grab the cellphone while the jerk behind me attempts to get more intimate with the back of my car than I'm comfortable with and I realize that I can't possibly pull over because he will end up in my backseat. I was already feeling demoralized beyond belief (crappy meeting with boss who - I think - loathes me + TTOM + probable start of menopause + no breakfast or lunch = questioning my value as a person) and then the frustration I felt at my inability to do something as simple as running a conference call kicked in and I just couldn't help myself: I cried.

My back and hip still hurt from when I fell in the cafeteria last week, I'm not sleeping well because of money anxiety combined with anxiety about work, I miss my husband so much it's formed an actual lump in my throat 24/7, and I can't seem to make it go away like I used to. Food works but there's not enough of it, ever. Watching TV works but there's nothing on that I like and I can't buy more iTunes TV because of the financial stuff. It's hot or it's hot AND humid, so I just sit on the couch trying to make it all go away with the air conditioner on as I try to figure out how to pay for the SDG&E bill (whenever it comes).

And then the suckiest of all suckedness...the nice BlogHer people told me I was invited to register for the conference this weekend. Isn't that great? So I can go - superyay.

Except. Except I have the aforementioned financial stuff going on. Except there are now two super important meetings at work on Friday. Except I need to write at least one annual performance appraisal (aka "yearly review") this weekend. Except I have to get to the Post Office this week and Saturday's looking like my only shot. Except, except, except. (Except I need to have a complete breakdown and where the heck am I supposed to schedule that???) So, I had to write back with tears in my eyes and say, "Not this year, kind BlogHer people."

Seriously, yesterday really just sucked.

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