Monday, May 05, 2008

Hail to the Ch(air)

It's official...I'm the Chair for the State Public Affairs Committee of the Junior Leagues of California. I would have posted about the pomp and circumstance last week after I returned had I not been hit by a Mack truck and laid up in bed with Typhoid Fever (or something like that) most of the week. Also, there was a sad lack of both pomp and circumstance - dang.

Just like clockwork, a few days after buying his tickets to come home, TCB's leave was cancelled. I don't know why and won't until he comes home and can tell me in person. I cried HARD when he text messaged me the news. Sobby, drippy tears. Unbearable pain except that I had to bear it because there was no food in the house and it was too late to drive the 10 miles I now have to go for fast food. It was such a strange realization, as I was standing there making iced tea just to have something to do with my hands other than ripping at the skin on my body, that I just don't know what to do with uncomfortable emotions.

I mean, I've always known it intellectually, but this was visceral. I was like a wounded animal, keening for my mate, and willing to do anything to make it stop. I kept turning and turning, stumbling around the house, trying to hide, but to no avail. I finally just made myself a coffee (with TCB's one cup coffee maker I bought him for Christmas two years ago) and dragged myself into bed where I cried myself to sleep.

How can you get to be 40 years old, with a responsible position at a very respected company and a volunteer leadership position representing over 12,000 women in California, and be completely unable to deal with rage or sorrow appropriately? I don't even know what "appropriate emotions" look like - there's stuffing it all away and pretending it doesn't exist or blowing things into smithereens (anger) plus...what's the equivalent of blowing things up for sorrow??? I don't think there is one. So I really have only one reality for sorrow and that's bingeing on either food or shopping until the pain subsides. What a mess. I need help.

8 comments:

Shannin said...

I know what you mean about not knowing what a healthy expression of deep feelings look like. It sucks, and it's not easy. I wish I had the answer...

LISA EMRICH said...

I'm so sorry that your hubby won't be able to come home to visit. That really sucks.

Bitter Knitter said...

big big hugs to you!!

Sueellen said...

I felt like you were writing about me there for a minute; I get so frustrated with not knowing and it isn't easy. But take solace in this - you didn't drive the 10 miles for that junk food fix and there is nothing wrong with crying! HUGSSS

L.G. said...

I'm so sorry that this happened to you; to anticipate something wonderful happening and to have it yanked away at the last minute is heartbreaking. I'm sure TCB is just as upset as you are and he has to be stoic around his shipmates on top of it. :-(

I did think of you when watching Carrier -- I know it's not the same thing but watching it made me think of you & TCB and deployments.

I hope you're feeling a bit better by now.

I hate the question of why do I blow up things out of sorrow, spite, etc. I wish I didn't do that either. Hang in there, **hugs**

M@rla said...

So sorry about TCB's leave! DAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMN!!!! I am keeping my fingers crossed that he is compensated with EXTRA leave, plus they make him Admiral or something, and he will have the authority to say "Turn this f***ing boat around; we're going home to see Denise!"

Of course, then you will have 3,000 sailors hanging out in your living room playing your Guitar Hero and twiddling their thumbs.

Unexpressed anger - I'm telling you girlie, it's the root of a lot of bad things in our lives. But you've recognized it, which a lot of people never do, now you can do something about it.

Daisy said...

I am so sorry to learn of the canceled leave. I've given some thought to your heartrending question "what's the equivalent of blowing things up for sorrow?"

First, you're not just dealing with sorrow. You're dealing with anticipation and massive let down followed by incredible grief. I think maybe crying and beating your pillow is in order? Which of course you did. Crying is good. And often entirely appropriate.

When I've been faced with gut-wrenching sorrow I've cried. Then done my best to marshal my thoughts and think of everything good right there in my life and list it. Write it out. Your mind will keep coming back to "But TCB's leave was canceled" but keep rounding up the positive. It sounds pollyanna-ish, but it'll help.

lunalissa said...

baby, it's okay! at least you managed to get semi through this without shopping or eating! that's progress!