Sunday, December 30, 2007

Love Your Body: Am I worth it?

So, knowing that I need to make myself a priority and take care of myself and then doing something about it are two very different things. I spent much of yesterday driving aimlessly around San Diego flipping back and forth between Diet Nazi mentality ("must only eat things that are good for me, must never eat bad food again"), Moderate Girl who knows that I've only committed to one day of Yoga a week (plus the sleep and the vitamins) and that slow, steady steps will get me where I want to go, and then Sister Sloth who thinks the whole debate is giving her a headache and just wants to go back to sleep. This insanity is what always happens when I try to make a change in my life for the better and I just can't do it again.

I logically know that it's all about the moderation and that small steps will set me free, but I just don't know if I have the patience. I want it all now or, actually, do I really want it at all? I've been thin and I've been fat (still am) and I'm happier now than I've ever really been. Well, not exactly "happier" but more at peace with myself. The constant churn of "I need to lose weight so that I'll be pretty" has stopped...perhaps it's that silence that has me so freaked out? Honestly, I think I could be happy right here at this weight if it wouldn't adversely affect my health. Yes, I have an enormous stomach and that is uncomfortable, but I generally dress well and feel happy and what am I really willing to change forever?

It has to be about the health, not the weight. The weight is not enough to keep me going, but making myself worth the trouble is.