Tuesday, July 24, 2007

My everything

Tuesday afternoon. It's this ache I feel every minute of every day. I miss him so much. I want him home with me. I want him helping to pack up our possessions and scheming about how wonderful our new house will be. I want him throwing his clothes on the ground so that I can pick them up. Thirty times, at least, every day, I think of something that I need to tell him and I can't do it. Talking on the phone helps but it's just not the same.

I love being able to watch whatever I want on the TV. I know that he'd hate all of my home improvement shows like Garden Police, Garage Takeover, Take Home Handyman, Flip this House, Sell My House, Holmes on Homes, Clean House, Property Ladder, etc. and yet I still want him here so that he can tell me that I've gone bonkers with the Home Improvement.

And he would tell me. He doesn't let me get by with my avoidance mechanisms. "How much did the tickets cost, Denise?" "A lot." "How much is a lot?" "A lot." "Denise, tell me how much is 'a lot'?" After we go back and forth this way for five or ten minutes, I give in and I tell him. His response is always, "Wow, that's not nearly as bad as I'd thought. See, don't you feel like an idiot for not wanting to tell me???" And I do. And he's right. He never condemns me for my spendy ways. He laughs at my purse fetish but he never tries to change me. He actually loves me as I am and that's the most amazing thing ever. And I miss that so much.

How did this happen? I'm the superficial girl who's never been willing/able (not sure which) to give myself to anyone on a real spiritual level because that would require sacrifice and, well - who, me, sacrifice??? He's not even my "type" for pity's sake! He doesn't cuddle or show lots of physical affection and that's what I want. I want all of the outward trappings of love because that's all that I can handle. But he doesn't do any of that stuff. He doesn't talk about how much he loves me, he doesn't do the PDA thing...he just shows how much he loves me with everything he does, all day long. He sends me flowers each month on our anniversary but it's not a Flower of the Month club: they are individually chosen each month by our mutual friend, Tony, with direction from Japan. He asks about my Junior League meetings on Wednesdays because he knows I have one every Tuesday night. It turns out that what I thought I wanted is not what I need. What I need is my husband.

Everything by Michael Buble

You're a falling star, you're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And You're the perfect thing to say.

And you play your card, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

[Chorus:]And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

[Chorus:]And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

[Chorus:]And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're every song, and I sing along.
Cause you're my everything.

2 comments:

Lori said...

I loved your "he loves me as I am" sentence. So very Bridget Jones!! My wonderful late husband was like that too. When I would bemoan the fact that I had gained so much weight since we had first met, he would always say "When I look at you, I see you and you are perfect." Guys like you have and I had are gems to be treasured. Any you are so right, what we want and what we need are two totally different things!

Lori

Lori said...

We really do think we know best for ourselves, isn't it? We want to be in control and yet life has a funny way of showing us that we're capable of so much more.

Just think if we got to pick or draw up our ideal mate. Would we be really happy with that? You really do demonstrate to me that we all grow and what we think we need is an illusion -- perhaps we need challenges and acceptances in ways we never envisioned.

I know you are lonely and it sucks that he is not there with you. But think back to a time when he didn't exist in your life and you were pining away for someone. This is way, way better even now because he Gets You. And loves you and accepts all of the things that makes you Denise from the Jr. League, to the purses, to your involvement with kids.

And honestly Denise, I hate it when people say, "Oh you'll grow from this experience" or "You'll learn something from this." I don't know about you, but I don't want to learn anything new. BUT, sadly, they're right. We do learn and adapt with crappy things in our lives. You will be a better wife for Mick as a result of this. Mick's already showing you that he can adapt (the flowers, etc.).

You're doing great now and I know you have some down days. Just remember, Mick would rather be there with you too. He misses you too.