Friday, July 06, 2007

If you don't have anything to say...

Friday morning. I think we might be nearing the end of this journal. I simply cannot think of anything original to say and the thought of it just sitting here, neglected and sad, rips me up inside. Better to kill her (she's definitely female) off now, with some dignity, than let her die of neglect and lack of readership.

The root of the problem, I think, is that this journal is supposed to be primarily about weight loss. Certainly, a few years ago when I was losing weight effortlessly and was filled with the wisdom of the successful, writing every day was the easiest thing ever. How could I wait until tomorrow to share the fabulous thing I'd learned that day??? Fast foward two and a half years and I'm mired in introspection and the quest for The Next Big Plan, with seemingly nothing interesting to say. I talk to my overseas husband at night and I don't have anything interesting to tell him, either, so it's not just here on the journal that I'm in a creative crisis.

I could tell you that I don't seem to miss him as much now as I did a month ago. Or that I feel guilty but wish he'd call in the mornings instead of late at night so that I could get my walking routine started. (Yes, I'm blaming someone else for my lack of courage in regard to getting fit. How sad.) I could blather on about work and the fact that I live in a state of near-constant anxiety about whether my lackluster performance is so bad that someone will notice and then the house of cards will come crashing down. But who wants to read that? I don't and I don't want to write it, either.

I don't know what to do. I do know, however, that it's nearly TTOM and I shouldn't make any significant decisions under the influence of evil hormones, so I'll just stew a little more.

(If this post has made you want to rip your hair out with the depression of it all - like it has me - go here http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Tc53tx10Sxk/RoxWI3tUeII/AAAAAAAAABk/zI4KXxStqQk/s1600-h/School+Visit+16.jpg and see what my wonderful husband is up to in Japan. This picture was taken as part of his ship's visit to an orphanage and school a few weeks ago and I think it's just so adorable.)

7 comments:

ohio blue eyes said...

maybe you need to leave her for awhile, but i do hope you come back to her because i do love reading your updates!

and cute pic of hubby!

Sarah said...

Denise, of course you need to do what feels right to you, but damn I'd be sad if you shut her down. Your entries don't have to be profound or enlightening, purposeful or even entertaining. They just have to be real. If they come from your mind and heart, I'm interested.

I feel sort of like you and I were in like the Class of 2004 (or at least I was) and were both so motivated to lose weight at the same time. I read you every day, and I was so grateful for your friendship and support during that time. Then when I got cancer, the whole tone of my blog changed, and it's undergone a sort of identity crisis ever since. My readership plummeted, I felt like I had nothing to say and so said nothing for months at a time....and, like you, I wondered why I still had the blog at all.

But I keep it still, because I still want to lose weight. It sounds stupid, considering my cancer is terminal and I have all these life and death issues now....but really, when I think about it, if I were to shut my blog down, it would be an announcement that losing weight was no longer a priority or something I wanted to talk about.

I don't know how relevant any of this is to you -- it seems to me that is, because I can SO relate to everything you said in your first paragraph. I'm right there with you, sister!

But please don't go. Modify your expectations of your blog and ease up a little on the pressure you're putting on yourself. You have friends here in Blogland, and we love you just as you are, whenever you are --- and however that is. I really would miss you so much. I love reading about your life, and when you want to focus again on weight loss and talk about that, I'll love reading about that too.

Speaking of which, I'm in the process of making a mental switch to weight loss as a priority, and that will be reflected in my blog as well. (I'm sure to the confusion of my now cancer-focused readership, such as it is.)

Anyway, I just love you, Denise, and you'll break my heart if you shut 'er down. So don't do it. K?

Sarah said...

OH! And your husband's a hottie! Go you! :)

Hilly said...

I think we all have those days....like, I often wonder why the hell I journal at times too. It's hard to keep both sides of my oceans happy and it is a struggle.

Being someone who used to always write about weight loss then switched over, I completely understand what you are talking about.

I also can understand you wanting your routine a certain way...it's natural.

Just think about your blog and maybe keep it here in case you ever need it or start a new one? By the way, I just cleaned out my SPAM and got your email about coffee...sorry I missed it but email me if you have any more free time coming up!

Bluegrass Mama said...

Whether you keep up the blog or not is, of course, up to you. I am just sad to see how depressed you seem again. Please take care of yourself whether you blog or not.

Lori said...

TTOM is a pain. I just finished feeling sorry for myself just now thanks to my TTOM so I understand. It's been a roller-coaster of a year already for you.

It's up to you; we'll all respect your decision to blog or not to blog. I enjoy coming here and seeing your updates and learning about your courtship, marriage and adjustments. It's okay to be depressed but if it's taking a big toll on you, maybe you should have it checked out. You're too fine a person to be sad all the time and you offer a lot of good advice, fun, and perspective to a lot of people personally and in blogland.

Trish said...

I don't care if you blog about weightloss or not. I just know I will miss reading you if you go :( LOVE the photo of your hubby, very cute!