Monday, June 18, 2007

Why I need to start getting more sleep

Monday afternoon. This makes me glad that I believe in Heaven and Hell because I know where people who perpetrate scams like this are going. To tell the spouse of someone in harm's way that their loved one is hurt and needs their help just to get money...it's worse than reprehensible. As I say, I'm confident God knows how to deal with this, so let's move on.



The eDiets challenge just isn't going to work for me right now. Even just thinking about restricting my eating, going back to where a green salad with low-fat dressing is the biggest thing on my lunch list, and feeling physical hunger, propelled me into an anxiety attack and binge combo the likes of which I haven't seen in a LONG time. I don't know why I keep letting myself think that it's about diet and exercise for me...if it was that simple, I'd be 140 pounds and have a Masters Degree in nutrition by now (due to all of the books I've read, seminars I've attended, and nutritionists I've met with). To paraphrase the Clinton (#1, not #2) campaign, "It's the mental issues, stupid!" I know what I need to do, I want to do it (at least consciously), and then I drive through Taco Bell on the way home. I need to get back into therapy that my company will pay for (Gloria is not covered and she's expensive) and deal with this stuff because I want to live. I have a great husband (albeit around the world at the mo'), a beautiful new house to move into in a few months, and a really wonderful life other than my weight problems. Do you know, I actually look at the patients on Big Medicine and think, "Maybe I should think about having surgery," and then I remember that I'd still have an eating disorder even with a smaller stomach.



It's not about the food, Denise.



I don't want to examine myself, I don't want to figure out what's eating me...I just want to be able to diet and exercise like a normal person and have it come off. I'm not talking about a Get Thin Quick scheme - I'm willing to work out and eat less, and I know it will take about 18 months to get to my ultimate goal weight (and I'm OK with that, too), I just want to be able to get started without knowing that I'll fail before the first meal is finished.



Please, God, just let me restrict my food for the rest of my life like a normal person. Please let whatever junk is inside my head that makes me eat compulsively come out so that I can deal with it and move on. It's not about looking better anymore, God...it really isn't. I don't care. Mick doesn't care (he loves me just as I am). I want to live. I have finally created the life that I've always dreamed of! I don't worry about what my epitaph will say anymore!

Being sleep deprived is a real nightmare when you're already overly emotional.

8 comments:

Ann said...

Oh, Denise! It's your stinkin' thinkin'!!!! I have it too :( I'm working with a cognitive behavioral therapist, and it's helping.

Think about it. Love to you.

JessiferSeabs said...

"It's not about the food, denise" is the best thing I've heard you say in a long time. I'm a big believer in this philosophy. "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you."

And, you haven't failed until you quit. No matter how many times you screw up and start over, that does not equal failure. Failure is when you stop trying.

Brooke said...

Hey, I just read this amazing book called "Rethinking Thin." Basically it says that we have very little self control when it comes to food - that it's all handled by brain chemistry, and if your chemistry is wacky, it's wacky.

It made me feel a lot less ashamed of myself, and a lot less like I am undisciplined and lazy and etc etc etc. I highly recommend it.

Rhonda said...

I just heard about that scam on the news last night. It made me want to hurl. And you are correct...They will have to answer to God one day.

Oh my goodness can I relate to where you are coming from. Is it some what comforting to know your not the only one? I have struggled with my weight all my life so I will tell you the way of life that has helped me the most has been South Beach. Know that you have lots of us out here who are in the same boat with you.

Mother of Invention said...

I think you should write a post over at The Lighter Side. How about it? You'd be helping others and getting extra support from these special people in youyr time of struggle now. Thanks or commenting on my post there!

Lori said...

I had a woman who came up to me in the parking lot looking for $$ b/c she left her wallet at home; she was going to visit her uncle at the VA Hospital in Richmond. I referred her to visitors aid station. Three days later I see her in another parking lot, chatting up a student. I drive up, roll down my window and yell, "She's a scam artist -- she's lying and I'm calling the cops." Man, did she take off! And yes, I did call the cops and give them her license plate numbers. People take advantage of every single thing in the world to make money of other people's tragedies.

It's a sick, sad world.
You know Denise, I've been having conversations with the oddest groups of people (see My Dinner With Mr. Republican) about diets.

The one thing that I keep thinking and saying, "The reason we fail is our black and white thinking." I'm so guilty of it myself and I know it's why we just give up on the concept of eating better. It permeates everything else. No money? Hell, go ahead and charge it (that's my problem area at the moment).

If your biggest meal is a salad, that's too restrictive. You can't swing from Eatallthetime, USA to Thirdworldrations, The World overnight and either extreme is not good.

Add that to the black and white thinking and I'd be giving it up too. I am thinking about you and hoping you feel better.

Gingernut said...

Hey Denise,

I know that you know everything there is to know about this subject, so I can't add anything useful. One thing really jumped out at me from your post though: "Even just thinking about... feeling physical hunger... propelled me into an anxiety attack and binge combo...". I found this really interesting for some reason. I've never had a problem with my weight (touch wood, fingers crossed etc) and frequently feel physical hunger - it's completely normal for me, and isn't scary. It doesn't have to be quelled instantly - in fact, if it's not immediately convenient to eat, the feeling often disappears. I don't mean to brag at all - I know you have other demons and issues to face - but I guess I just don't understand this fear of an entirely natural, normal feeling. What do you feel would happen if you didn't sate the hunger?

Hope I haven't offended or upset... Just interested.

Lots of love!
Sarah x

The said...

Denise, you'll get there. You are on the right track, thinking about this stuff. I think the binging comes just at the point where you feel like "you can't have", at least that is the case with me. I wish I could tell you how to do it, but I struggle myself, you know. My best advice, #1, separate the exercise from the diet, and just do that for awhile, don't think about a diet. Maybe, eventually, you'll feel good enough to take the next step?

Oh yeah, and get more sleep!

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