Monday, June 04, 2007

Love deeper

Monday night. In the last, say, three or four weeks before Mick left, our relationship started to change. I never mentioned it here because it's just so personal, but Mick has a form of OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) and so we'd never held hands or kissed or cuddled - all things that are important to me, but not more important than Mick, so I never said anything. But suddenly, he was kissing me, calling me pet names, and cuddling me for no good reason. I tried not to act surprised because, of course, I was, but I didn't want him to feel awkward. Or stop. And, although I haven't asked him about it, I think the reason for the change is that he realized - as did I - that we had a finite amount of time together and that a lot of things could happen in the ensuing 730 days such that we might never be together again. It's amazing what can happen when you don't have the luxury of time. I've written before about how hard I tried to resist the happiness and the love that was everywhere around me in those last few weeks, but I did, eventually, give up and give in and oh-how-glad I am that I did.

Even as the pain carves new canyons of emptiness into my heart.

Even as I wonder if it will ever be the same again.

Even as I sit in my car in the drive-through and cry uncontrollably.

Because I know that I'm lucky: at least I've been loved - and loved someone - with abandon...with the full knowledge that it might not last forever. I danced on the razor's edge between love and despair, terrified that I couldn't survive the pain but, in the end, more terrified of not feeling the joy while it was there for me. So, to paraphrase Tim McGraw, I hope someday you get the chance to love like you were dying. Like tomorrow was a gift and you'd have the rest of your life to think about (and possibly regret) what you did with it.

p.s. I know that I made the right choice and I'd make it again, but Man, this "feeling my feelings" stuff is hard work!!!

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