Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Writing because I ought to

Wednesday afternoon. Some days are easier than others when it comes to writing here. Sometimes I wake up and can't stop my brain going with all of the merry topics I want to commit to paper (or keyboard) forever. Today is not one of those days. Why am I writing if I have nothing to say, you might well ask, and I would tell you that I'm hoping to "fake it until I make it" - keep writing just so that I don't get out of the habit while I finish up whatever funk it is that that I'm in.

Last night, completely funkified after work, I wanted nothing more than to go home and lie on the couch. I had a Junior League holiday party to attend, but it was a real battle inside my head as to whether I should go or be a lazy slug. I hesitate to tell you how close I came to blowing it off, but, in the end, I did go and I had a nice time, too. My friend, Shelly, that I haven't seen in ages, was there solo and we spent several hours visiting and munching on the refreshments, which was nice. I'm so glad that I didn't let the couch drag me in with its tractor beam!

I've been realizing lately that I'm considered pretty competent at work. This is quite the revelation because for years in my former position, I was the lowest of the low as far as the management team was concerned. I did not fare well in comparison to the two over-achievers I was being judged against and I eventually came to the conclusion that it didn't matter what I did because I'd never do better than either of them. You'd have thought that moving into a department where I knew next to nothing about what they did would have made the situation worse, but it has not worked out that way at all.

As I sit here sometimes and realize that I've got the three other Project Managers coming to me throughout the day for advice plus my own team members looking for guidance and outside folks who look to me as the "voice" of my team, I'm blown away by what a difference 15 months can make. The respect that I have from others and for myself makes up for the fact that my job duties sometimes drive me nuts. I was talking to Gloria about my job in one of our sessions and I told her that I really wanted to find a position without any people-management responsibilities because I'm just no good at it, she remarked that, "It's not that you're not good at it - clearly you are - it's that you don't like it." Fortunately for me, the VP for our group is very focused on finding places where people can use their strengths rather than continually trying to "fix" their weaknesses, so I'm hoping to pursue something different in the Spring. It's a shame that I'd have to leave a job that I'm so successful with, but the people-management stuff is what makes me want to stay home and I just don't want to feel that way any more.

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