Tuesday, December 05, 2006

No, I'm not dead and I didn't elope!

Tuesday afternoon. I have not been able to find a single thing to write about since last Thursday's post so, rather than put junk food on the table, I just decided to close the restaurant for a little while.

What I want to write about today is love and appreciation. Now, you'd think that - at the "most wonderful time of the year" - I wouldn't have to talk about these topics because they'd be fairly oozing from everyone and making me sick. That does not seem to be the case this year. Possibly this has been true even in the past few years but it hasn't been brought home to me forcibly until this year. Grumpy. Grouchy. Stressed out. Fed up. Burned out. Everywhere I turn, I see the same thing from the people around me. Perhaps it is just a San Diego thing or perhaps just my friends and acquaintances, but I don't think so. As I read through my blog list, I see a lot of discontent and a real lack of happiness and "holiday spirit".

For me, I know that much of my mood is coming from work, where it is busy and stressful. There is also the long-term uncertainty of my relationship with TCB. (He said something to someone while I was standing there about "never" getting married. I had to turn away so that he wouldn't see my tears.) And, of course, there's the ever-present shadow of another year ending with me out of shape, eating out of control, and no exercise.

I think, too, that part of what brings us all down is the unrealistic expectations that are foisted upon us at this time of year. Happy families who love each other, buy perfect gifts, and are all at goal weight torment those of us who do not have that fairy tale as yet. Beautifully decorated houses adorned with perfectly-behaved children tell parents in the real world that they're not doing enough...that they don't have everything they're meant to.

Then there's the completely overwhelming feeling of everything that must be done. Decorate. Send cards to everyone. Buy gifts for family and friends. (Buy gifts for those who will buy you gifts unexpectedly.) Plan an extravagant holiday dinner (with all matching china, crystal, and silver, of course - perish the thought that your gravy not be in the boat). Look stupendous for the holiday parties you'll attend (four of them for me - aren't I lucky?).

Inside I feel a rebellion brewing. I don't want Christmas and New Year's obliterated with a sea of "I should have" or "I can't believe I didn't". All of that stuff is peripheral to the real meaning of the season and I'm fed up. What I really want is kittens to cuddle with, TCB flipping the TV remote across the room, a real tree twinkling somewhere in my living/dining room, and my parents safe and healthy at home (they're working Christmas Day this year). I haven't gotten a gift that really knocked my socks off in years and I know of so many charities that could use that money - no more gifts, if you please. If I am still fat and unhealthy well, at least I'm still here. And I'm happy, too, when I'm not tormenting myself with all that I am not.

So Bah Humbug to all of the Scrooge-wannabes out there trying to bring me down. Away with you, I say, and let the celebration of Life well-lived begin. The New Year brings new opportunities and more chances to make ourselves happy - let's go forth and grab all the happiness we can!

(Non-coincidentally, I've just realized that it's been several weeks since I've seen Alcott and his siblings. I don't have to try to be happy when I'm with them because they splash love and happiness every which way and you can't help but be covered in it by the time you say good-bye.)

3 comments:

Java-Jabber said...

I totally get the stress of the holidays. I'm sitting here feeling pretty good right now but only because I had to get drugs from my doctor to take care of a 3-day migraine. Yuck.

In the 30 years I lived in San Diego, I never once had a "homey" Christmas. It's kinda hard to get into the spirit of Winter when it's Christmas day and you're standing barefoot in the sand watching the hot air balloons fly overhead. Know what I mean?

And Christmas lights at Mission Bay in the palm trees just didn't do it for me.

It'll be okay though. Just don't be down on yourself. As one of your two readers (lol) it makes me sad to see (read) that you are down.

So, snap to! Let it go! Accept yourself and love yourself and life will be much better for you!

Corny? Yup. Probably from the migraine pain pills.

JessiferSeabs said...

Ohhhh, I'm so sorry about TCB's marriage comment, my DBF makes comments like that a lot and it always reduces me to tears, even though he says he's kidding...

As for the "there's so much to do, with the decorating and cards..." sentiment -- I'm totally boycotting!!! And I am having a FABULOUS holiday season! But I'm not decorating, I'm not sending cards, and I'm buying all my gifts online! I thought it might be depressing, but actually it's quite liberating.

~JS

Lori said...

Everyone thinks that they need to have a holiday like those shown on TV, commercials, ads, etc. And I can count on my hand minus a few fingers those people who have MOST of that. Everyone else has their family baggage, romance baggage, self-image baggage to contradict those images. Logically I know this but I still quite irritated with those Target ads which show happy couples deliriously happy with a fancy expresso machine.

Look at far you've come in a year. I know that what is what I'm going to do. I don't think you would consider yourself out of shape, and all of that. You have definite goals and are quite involved with a lot of things like volunteering, work and your own health. Not many people can say that. I do agree with you about everything you wrote.

As for TCB, sigh. He's a man and they have a knack for saying stupid things for stupid reasons and at the stupidest times. He doesn't know what he's going to do down the road and neither do you. It hurts and I wish he hadn't said that but his words are not carved in stone. Don't take it to heart. (Unless he says this every day and then you can hit over the head with a rolling pin with our permission.)

I'm looking forward to taking some nice photos of my area for the holiday, seeing my family and having a few days off. I hope you do treat yourself well, enjoy your parties and do what you want to do to celebrate this month.