Wednesday, November 29, 2006

NaBloPoMo, Next to last day (Day 29) - Good news and a long-overdue letter

Wednesday morning. We got very good news yesterday when Daddy found Mom's test results on the hospital computer (he works there - nothing nefarious) and the PET scan came back completely clean. Nothing anywhere that indicates cancer. Who knows why her CEA was elevated, so we're celebrating a good result.

I would have posted yesterday evening after I got back from my Junior League council meeting, but I just didn't feel like it. I seem very tired lately - mentally, physically, and emotionally - and I can't think of anything interesting to write about. It saddens me greatly to think that I couldn't even find writing material to fill 30 measly days, but that's just the way it is.

I do, however, have a homework assignment from Gloria that involves writing a letter to my father (not Daddy but my biological father), so let me give that a shot.

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Dear Dad,

It's been years since we've spoken and even longer since we had any semblance of a relationship. I'm not saying that in an accusatory way because I've certainly had the ability to pick up the phone or pen and paper for the last 21 years and haven't done so. We are probably more alike in our inability to stay in touch than I want to admit.

What I want to talk to you about, though, is our relationship when I was a child. I realize that you and Mom didn't get along and I definitely agree with the decision to divorce because you are not well suited to each other, but why didn't you attempt to maintain a relationship with me? You are my father, you donated half of my DNA, and I was just a little girl when you left - why didn't you write or call or visit? Mom sent me to visit Grandma and Grandpa pretty regularly, so you could have arranged to be there at the same time, and you didn't. Did you ever wonder about me, how I was doing, who I was becoming? Did you think about me on my birthday or Christmas or any other time during the year?

And now? Do you ever think of me now as you slide into your "Golden Years"? Sadly, you'll lose your parents soon and, even now, they are gone from both of us mentally. You have your brother and me, in essence, for family: what, if anything, do you want to do to try to create some sort of relationship for us? If not now, Dad, then when?

It might be that we are simply too alike, with our problems with intimacy and close friendships, to ever be able to reach out and create something real and healthy between us. If that's the case, I'll heal and I'll go on, but I can't truly forgive myself for the sin of being unloveable in your eyes until I try to figure out our relationship. Be honest, for my sake if not your own.

Take care,
Denise

3 comments:

Java-Jabber said...

Good letter. Not mushy or "needy," but straight forward and to the point.

Very nice.

I'm also glad that NaBloPoMo is almost over! I didn't realize what a major commitment it was.

M@rla said...

Good news about Mom!

That letter's perfect. Now, I don't get, are you actually going to send it to him, or was it a just-for-you exercise?

Lys said...

WOW! Just WOW! Well written, straightforward and alot of food for thought.

great news about your mom - sending positive thoughts her (and your) way!!!