Monday, November 27, 2006

NaBloPoMo, Day 27 - Three more to go!

Monday night. I honestly had no idea how tough it was going to be to write every day when I started this thing (hence my three missed days, I suppose). I can remember when I'd run to the keyboard, full of exciting things to say, but that has not been the case of late. I suppose it's one of those phases we go through as we grow and change and it makes me a little sad because this journal was one of the first, best things I did as I started on the journey to build a real life for myself - a life of substance and meaning - and it was the genesis of so many other wonderful things, too. The first time I really thought I might be worth something even as a fat girl was when Poppy nominated me for a BoB award two years ago. And I nearly won and that made me realize that nothing in my life had to depend on my size other than the clothes that I wore...and that was powerful. (Funny that the year I didn't win brought me more pleasure than the year I actually did, huh? That's just how I am.)

What is all this navel gazing in aid of? I don't know exactly. I know that things feel stale and boring here and that it comes down to me to do something about it. I refuse to abandon something that's meant so much to me but I cannot keep on with "business as usual" because I'm not doing my best and doing less than my best is not something I can tolerate.

3 comments:

ms ralph said...

I totally know how you feel. I am in the same situation. I find it hard to say what I really really want to say. I sit here and I think, "what can I write, oh you can't write THAT!" I am in dire straits. HUGS

Lori said...

OK. This must be the time of month where many of my fellow bloggers (myself included) are going around beating themselves up over real or imagined situations.

Your mom is facing medical tests, it's getting close to the end of the year (a lot of businesses go crazier then and some get slower; both are maddening), and there are other things bubbling around.

Business as usual doesn't mean that it is slacking off. There are peaks and valleys with everything. When the month is over and you want to take a break, take on and rejuvenate yourself. It is hard to write something every day.

Maybe it's something similar to what I'm going through...if it's not the fat that hindering us, and it's not the people/job/money in our lives, then what is it? Is it us? Is this all there is? You know, it's kind of like an existential crisis of some sorts. I'm babbling but just remember, maybe your best isn't your all time best, but maybe it's the best you can do right now.

Alda said...

Denise, one of the things I love about your blog is your ability to share so frankly and sincerely. Like your thoughts about how you started, and how it made you feel worthwhile. That's just lovely.

I'm in a blogfunk too at the moment. I just can't get enthusiastic about posting, although I do post. I attribute it to the time of year, though - at least I hope that's what it is. I go through these phases sometimes.