Monday, June 13, 2005

Wow, look at all of the pretty comments!

Monday afternoon. So it turns out that the way to generate interest (as measured by the number of comments) is to talk about love and romance. Does that mean that most of my readership are devoted fans of Desperate Housewives? In any case, it appears to be the consensus of the commenters that TCB is not looking for a Friends With Benefits (FWB) relationship and that this assessment is based on the fact that he invited me to a work function. To be clear, the work function is a Padres baseball game, not the upcoming formal dinner/dance, which he's mentioned but not invited me to. (Should I worry that I'm not invited? Should I hint around that I want to be invited? Ugh, dating is so much more complicated than I remembered!) Still, I think I agree with the majority in this case that's he's thinking in terms of a romantic relationship even though he isn't physically demonstrative most of the time (which is the only thing that has me questioning his intentions, FYI). He's off on a business trip this week, so I probably won't hear from him much until the weekend, which will, no doubt, engender all sorts of insecurity and analysis-paralysis from me - fair warning!

On a different yet related note, I think I might have found the thing that it takes to put me back into The Zone. You know, that magic place where it's easier to do what it takes to be healthy than to sit on my butt and eat until I burst? To be completely accurate, I'm not really in The Zone but I'm in the PreZone, which is nearly as good. The PreZone is where I'm just so fed up of listening to myself, thinking about this junk endlessly, and feeling so poorly about myself that I drive myself crazy wondering if a boy that spends most of the weekend with me really likes me or is just sleeping with me because he doesn't have anything better to do. Oh, and then there's the fact that I weighed in at 229 this morning. Yes, you read that correctly, I now weigh nearly 30 pounds more than I did in March before I left for New Orleans. I was so furious when I read the number that I very nearly exploded with rage. This time, however, the rage was clean and pure, not messy and destructive as in the past. I know what I want and I have this knife edged determination to make it work. Fortunately, today was the first day of going back to three-a-day of my healthy prepared meals, so that takes care of one part of the equation although I'm hungry (my tummy's growling) and cranky right now, but that's beside the point. After this little scale incident, I grabbed one of my co-workers who has the same problem as me - she's fat - and who I used to work out with a few years ago and told her that we'd be starting to work out again this week. I'm very lucky that she'd recently reached the same place as I was and agreeably said, "OK," so I've got three days a week of 30 minute sessions each day on the calendar now. That leaves me with only two days a week on my own and I can handle that. (I was going to add "I think" to that last sentence but have decided that this is just the way that it is, so no thinking involved.)

I feel like the StaPuft marshmallow man, the Michelan man, and a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float all bloated into one. I'm letting my unhappiness about my body affect the way I perceive TCB's attentions to me. I'm dreading going to a water park with Alcott and his siblings because of how I will look in a swimsuit. All of these things are important, but the most important thing is that it's time...it's just time.

9 comments:

Mamato2boys said...

Yay yay! I'm first. I am so glad that you are finding that place. I am still in wonder how one ever actually loses it. maybe that is the golden ticket? Hm anyways...
Awesome on the workout dates! It really does make such a difference!

Have a wonderful day sweets!
ang

Anonymous said...

I just ran across your blog by accident this weekend. Needless to say, I have spent many hours that I should have been cleaning my house reading about your life. (What is wrong with me!!!???) LOL.

I just wanted to tell you how much I have enjoyed reading!!!

brent said...

those meal plans look great. wish i were closer to them!

Anonymous said...

Mention in passing how full your schedule is getting lately, and I bet he asks you to the dance thingie...

And you listen to me about the swimming thing...
You're afraid Alcott and gang will think you look fat in a swimming suit. So what. If you don't go, they will *know* why. They might think certain things if you do go but it's guaranteed that those same things will be thought if you don't.

We can't change how overweight people are viewed. But at least if we put ourselves out there and in the mix of things, then they get to know us and maybe the weight doesn't matter so much then.
~danelle

Kris said...

HIYA! I recently found your blog and I think it is great. I appreciate your comments about feeling the way you do...I am feeling the same way. I am at that same place. Ever consider doing an online challenge thing, including some of your readers in it? I'd be the first to sign up!

M@rla said...

Glad you're in pre-zone, it's just a tiny step away now. Hey, since you gained weight, maybe I will beat you to Under Two Hundred (THAT ought to motivate you!!).

I'm not sure I get to say this, since I've been married for a GAZILLION years and don't know from dating, but: it seems like it's all about what TCB is thinking, what TCB is feeling, saying, doing... feck it, make this about what DENISE is feeling. It sounds like he's running the show, in a way, because you have a lot of unvoiced expectations that you're looking for confirmation of (pardon my atrocious grammar) - I just think that puts you in a precarious status in the relationship. I think you need to feel more empowered to ask for what you want and if it's not forthcoming, be able to shrug it off. Pardon my telling you all these things that I THINK YOU SHOULD DO!! Yes, please alter your entire life to suit me!

Beatte said...

As someone who is not physically demonstrative myself, I can tell you that this is NOT an accurate guide to interest. I might want to climb inside someone because I like them so much, but it's hard for me to do more than gaze at them appreciatively.

It's extremely unusual for women to be this way, so I've often been confronted by partners who feel insecure because I'm not touching them more and because I don't like PDAs (public displays of affection) and I will stiffen or even pull away. It can be frustrating and ultimately isolating that I simply can't do more to make them feel loved. I'm glad you are venting your concerns here and not with TCB!

Allow me to speculate (i.e. take a wild guess) re: the formal work event. If this guy's physical reticence carries over into his work life, he may not ask you to this near-term function simply because your relationship is a new one. If I just started dating someone, I probably wouldn't ask them either, no matter how much I dig them. To me, it would seem presumptuous to assume that they would want to be in such an intimidating environment, where my co-workers would be introduced to them and where they would be sized up and evaluated by everyone I know personally.

The basic problem (for me) would be that my co-workers know me better than my date does, and I would be constantly aware that they might be feeling intimidated by this fact. Since I know I'm kind of hard to get cozy with already, I would not want to add to their discomfort, which could possibly drive this person away from me.

Finally, but to a lesser degree, until I got a better feel for how this person and I related to each other in public, I wouldn't want to put myself in a potentially embarrassing/awkward situation that could end things before they got going. Does he like to drink? Will he crack a lot of jokes? Will he be too forthcoming with co-workers that I would rather keep at arm's length? Things like that. I can't count on myself to react sympathetically if one of my "social space" buttons gets pushed, and I could botch it by being stiff or stand-offish.

Again, sorry for rambling, but I want to address your concerns and reassure you that you aren't on thin ice here! Don't push, and I think you'll get some good results from this guy. :)

ms ralph said...

Sometimes you have to hit super hard at the rock bottom before you realise you need to make some changes. I'm happy for you with the success in starting fresh, and the date/extra day you wrote about in the previous entry sounds really promising. All relationships need to start somewhere, and you don't want kissy facing to start too soon. Give it time. Congrats!

Ellen@BestBlogContest said...

I would listen to how TCB introduces you at the work event - as "friend" or "girlfriend." If he says "friend" and you've already slept with him, you are in big trouble IMO. You might want to flip through "He's Just Not That Into You" at the bookstore (it's short, and very funny and very true).