Saturday, June 18, 2005

At sixes and sevens

Saturday morning. I've got this vague sense of disquiet deep inside me this morning. Disquiet and discontent. I feel absolutely horrible, physically, because - all previous posts saying that I'd got the eating and working out figured to the contrary - I've been doing nothing but binge eating for days. No working out, either. And, I suppose, that can help explain why I feel so dissatisfied with myself. I haven't been sleeping well the last couple of days because I'm hot (that's what happens when you eat too much and you're already fat and diabetic) and my feet hurt (neuropathy, another side effect for fat diabetics who binge), and that's probably not helping my mood, but mostly I think it's just the knowledge that I'm letting it all fall apart right in front of me and not doing a darned thing to stop it. It's all very good and well to talk about how I will do this or that or the other thing but, in the end, talk is cheap. I read other journals and see how well everyone's doing, even when they're struggling at least they're still doing something, and I feel even more unhappy with myself. Not unhappy enough to actually do something about it - let's be clear - but very unhappy none the less.

Then there's TCB. He was out of town for work all week, so I didn't expect to hear from him although a quick email or voicemail message would have been nice, but there's been nothing still and he should have been home last night. Who knows, he might call today but do I really want to keep going with someone who only communicates when he's free to do something with me? Don't I want a bit more company than that? If he ever calls and if we go out, I need to have a conversation, I think, and that's not going to be fun, but I can't go on this way. I need something more than this and I need to know for sure, from his mouth, that he sees me as something more than a friend with benefits. Past evidence aside, that's just not who I am and certainly not who I want to be. I want to be with someone who thinks I'm wonderful and is proud to be my boyfriend or whatever you want to call it. Granted, I'm not proud of myself right now which is probably not helping the situation, but that's still what I want and I can't start settling for less just because I'm a fat cow who's eating her way to an early grave, now can I?

I need to go and get ready to meet my parents for an early Father's Day celebration although I really feel most like...you know, I don't know what I feel like doing! I was going to say, "sitting on the couch and doing nothing," but that's not what I want. Well, part of me wants that, but another part wants to get off my butt, pick up the mess around here, and then go out to get a manicure and pedicure. I'm fed up of feeling like crap, looking like crap, and letting this place go, too. God, I'm better than this and I don't want to be here anymore.

Something's got to give, it just has to.

16 comments:

La said...

You said: "but do I really want to keep going with someone who only communicates when he's free to do something with me?" I'm taking that as a rhetorical question. I would even suggest that you ask yourself if there's any correlation between the way you are feeling (lack of motivation to focus on healthy living) and how you are feeling about your place in this relationship. Bottom line, relationships should meet the needs of both people in it and should leave you feeling better about yourself, not worse.

flip-flop-mama said...

You need a hug. {{{{{hug}}}}}}

I have been with hubby since Feb of 97. We got married 2 years ago. He has the worst manners ever about introducing me to his co workers if we see them out and about. Sometimes when I am feeling really bad about stuff, I pick a fight with him because I am sure it is because I am fat and he doesn't want his friends to know what bad taste he has in women. ROFL But on days like today, I think more rationally and just think he is a man who doesn't have a clue that he is being rude.

Men don't change much over the years. You just gotta decide early on what bad habits you can live with and which ones you can't. Right now I have this fantasy of getting fit and all his friends want to hang at our house cause I am just so yummy. ROFLMAO

deb said...

Oh Denise, I've had days just like that. I hope you do end up enjoying your weekend. I made myself get outside and do some yardwork today to get some exercise. I still feel fat and bloated and lazy, but at least my flowers are happy ;~)

*hug* This too shall pass.

Beatte said...

I totally don't blame you for bingeing... new relationships are scary. TCB is even scarier because he goes against the grain of all your past relationships and what you expect from a guy. He might be exactly what you need, but we all know that need and want are completely different things!! If you want the guy who will create drama in your life, and who will make grandiose gestures of love and fidelity, the muted guy just isn't going to cut it.

It's better to let him know how uncomfortable you are now than to let it fester and ruin your progress. You have to do what is right for you right now. Good luck!

a new start said...

Hang in there, Denise...I'm sure once you get your feelings sorted out about TCB, your attitude towards eating and exercise will return...this situation is just one of those "triggers" for us who are struggling w/ our weight...

Prochein Amy said...

Woman, you put into words what I have been feeling this past week. I am reading it, thinking the same thing, and more than likely will still get up and get another piece of lemon cake. Bleh!

Vicki said...

Amen to that sister! Lol. Another lass in the same boat ;-)

Anonymous said...

You're tired, you're busy, your man is away.

Did you write him an email this week? How abouut today? "Hoping you made it home safe and sound, looking forward to seeing you.
Denise". You gotta do it.

You'll get back on track with your eating soon, I'm sure. This is why we don't immediately throw away our fat clothes!
~danelle

M@rla said...

For god's sake don't get a pedicure!!

I'm sorry to see you feeling dispirited. I don't have any clever advice, just want to say I'm sending good vibes through the interweb.

Ellen@BestBlogContest said...

You really need to get that book, He's Just Not that Into You! If he was c-r-a-z-y about you, he would have called the second he got home. He would have even called long distance from his business trip! I think you need to get yourself together first before you have a relationship or it's just going to be a huge mess (speaking from experience). Also, being overweight and having diabetes is not lazy, it's self-destructive.

Tiffany said...

Good grief, Ellen, are you the marketing agent for that book or something? I really don't think we can know that TCB isn't crazy about Denise, or he would have called. There is more than one realistic possible answer to "if TCB didn't call, then . . ."

Anyway. I hope you went out and got a manicure and pedicure (despite Marla! ha), Denise, and that you had a good visit with your family. Maybe you can start the DIFD challenge up again--that was something that really made me think about being more active, and I'm going to try to get back on that bandwagon. The hardest part of any project for me is getting started.

Good luck this week getting back on track. You can do it!

Alda said...

I hope the fact you haven't posted today means that you're out enjoying yourself and doing something *good* for yourself!

brent said...

no offense to anybody but some of your comments are wacky.

i struggle too. struggling sucks. i have these weird notions that because i'm going to start my new diet "tomorrow", today i can eat crappy. dang that sucks. i want to quit doing that. sometimes i think dieting is more of a mental exercise than a physical one.

Anonymous said...

Ellen,

who died and appointed you a smug, all-knowing God? Thank you so much for your vote of confidence, I am sure that's just what Denise needs right now.

brent said...

yeah anon (why are you anon?), thats what i'm talking about. that was one of the comments i thought was very rude and insensitive. some people's comments just confuse me. most of the time i choose not to get involved but some of these comments are simply rude and unacceptable.

Jennifer said...

Wow, Denise, you should feel lucky to have readers like Ellen who are all-knowing and have their lives (and yours!) 100% figured out.

I hope that Ellen rushes over to my blog to fix all my problems too!


...And to her comment about him not being that into you, you haven't even known TCB for a long time. You guys are still getting to know each other. If he were blowing up your phone at this point it might be a little bit weird.