Friday, May 27, 2005

Small, little, baby steps and big, scary things, too

Friday morning. I am so glad that it's Friday! I'm spending tomorrow morning with Alcott and his younger brother tomorrow to celebrate his brother's birthday. We're going to a place called Inflatable World, a place with lots of inflatable attractions that they can jump in, slide down, and generally do boy-type things with. What will I be doing while they're doing that? Why, snapping 10,000 pictures for posterity, of course! Yes, I am that obnoxious woman you all know who takes so many pictures of her kids that you can practically create an action hero flipbook with them. Alcott and his sibs have gotten so used to it that they usually don't even complain anymore. Woohoo, I'm snapping them into submission! (When did I become my grandma?)

Doing things with Alcott always reminds me that I'll never truly go back to the way I was last summer before the Ten Percent Challenge started because I don't just live for myself and inside myself now. I have five little kids and one CASA buddy who all rely on me to be there for them and, incidentally, think I'm pretty cool. It's sort of selfish, I know, but I just love that I've got them and that unconditional love because it's so darned reassuring. It also forces me to get up and go even when I would rather lie around all weekend instead. So what if my laundry won't get done until the new millenium - I can always buy new! My Junior League buddies are a big help in that regard, too. I've got a BBQ Saturday night with several Junior Leaguers, plus I've already been contacted by one of my committee chairs to confirm my participation on her committee. With commitments to friends and work groups within the League, it's just another tie that binds me to the outside world and keeps me from retreating into a shell on the couch.

Finally, frighteningly, I might have met someone. Someone male. I don't want to jinx it because, Lord knows, my luck in this area is not good, but I talked on the phone last night for four hours with a really nice guy that found me through Match.com. When I say that he found me, he's the one that contacted me, not the other way around. He's local, single, gainfully employed, really cute, not hung up on his ex, not living with his parents, not commitment phobic, very tall, very cute, and intelligent. Now, I realize that it's entirely possible that he'll never call back and that last night was the last time I'll hear from him, but it was still really nice to have a fun conversation with someone who could actually be someone I'd go out with. Of course, that's also totally terrifying because I feel like the Goodyear blimp right now and I was thinking, in the back of my head, the entire time we were talking, "how are you going to stall meeting him for another 10 weeks so that you can become Slim, Happy, and Confident Girl again???" I don't think I can meet him face to face until I've at least started on the road to being that girl again because, otherwise, I'll be so uncomfortable in my own skin and so insecure that he won't ever want a second date. (Look at me, already planning a first date - how needy and pathetic is that?) I'm thinking that I can reasonably put it off, should I even be lucky enough to get a return call, for a couple of weeks, but he's going to think there's something seriously wrong with me if I stall any further than that. Gah, GAH, GAH, why did I let myself get to this place? Why didn't I meet this nice, seemingly normal guy when I was thinner, happier, and more together??? Must maintain. Must. Maintain.

Lord, I'm so hungry right now. All the Mexican food in the world would not be enough for the hunger I'm feeling. How am I ever going to deal with stuff like this without food? Oh my gosh, what if he figures out that I'm a freak who eats until she feels sick just to make herself feel better??? This cannot continue. I have to figure out another compulsion or something...there must be a publicly acceptable addictive behavior, mustn't there? I'm going to go Google "compulsive behaviors" and choose another one. Back later.

10 comments:

tlc said...

And what if....

he likes you JUST as you are.

Mia Goddess said...

I would suggest "masturbation", but I can't guarantee it would be a publicly acceptable compulsion. Short of that, I've got nothing. I'm just not good at this. But, I'm here for ya. And, I think he'd be nuts to take a pass. :)
xoxo
Mia

Kristin said...

Denise,

We all have some kind of a negative compulsion, I'm sure of it.

Hope your spirits are up very soon!

Kristin

Shannin said...

How exciting....of course we'll be tuning in to keep tabs...once he meets you, he will see just how great you are...

Wanted to suggest a book I just finished reading. It's about WLS, but the message in the book is really positive, even for those not researching WLS. It's called Exodus from Obesity.

ms ralph said...

My husband liked me the way I was, because when he met me I was very overweight. I was afraid he wouldn't, but I was wrong. There are men out there who aren't only interested in superficial things, and you could snag one too. I'm not that lucky to be the only one.

J. said...

Happy Friday!

Wanted to say hello. I found your site through one of the blog traffic sites and blogmarked you so I would remember.

My site is http://someday23.blogspot.com/, stop by anytime

Anonymous said...

Ok girl, let me just tell you that "planning" a first date is NOT pitiful or sad, it's realizing that, yeah I'd like to go out with him. Go for it sister! I'm totally rooting for you. But i also understand that you want to wait till your confidence is back...I feel you there! But just know we are all on your side and I know you can do this!! How cool is this? Isn't it nice to feel excited about a guy??

btw-my site is www.bigoletruck.com Found you thru some other blogs...love your site

Tracie (onehtmma1029@yahoo.com)

Prophecy Girl said...

I'm right there with you! I love your site & sometimes while reading you am convinced I am the author... which is comforting when I am locked in my house convinced I am the only one feeling that way... I just wish I knew more people like you outside the internet, because walking down the street I'm still convinced I am the only one feeling that way.

http://wwbdwwbd.blogspot.com/

Plantation said...

Awww. Hope this develops for you. Off to a great start. Keep it up!

punkindunkin said...

Congratulations!

You look so beautiful in your wedding pictures.

I got to this post from the current one and although I don't know you, I can relate so much to this post as I have a very similar one on my blog.

(it's only a month old)

Any advice for making the journey to where you are today?