Monday, April 18, 2005

So much for getting it together

Monday night. Any semblance of order and self-control is gone at this point. I'm freaking out inside although I've been maintaining admirably well outwardly. I'm scared and I'm turning to (terrible) food as a comfort because, well, because I don't really have anything else that works as well. Sad, but true. Thirty-seven years of using food isn't the right thing, but it's keeping me sane and, at this point, that's about all I can hope for, I think. I know I need to stop, I know that I can, but not right now. Not until things are better with my dad. I just threw things into my suitcase and my prepared meals into bags, and threw the lot of it into the car. I haven't prepared in advance at all for being gone and I know that a lot of it is simply because I don't want to face this whole situation, but part of it is the disease of apathy, lethargy, and losing the will to want to improve. I have sparks of the old me (or is that the new me?) but I think she's tired of fighting this thing, at least for now. Right now, it's all about survival, kids, and it's not pretty.

12 comments:

Silverella said...

Denise, don't beat yourself up. Do the best you can do considering the circumstances. I keep on sending all the positive energy I have to your dad!

Bluegrass Mama said...

Prayers coming for your dad.

And hey, at least you packed your meals!

Mia Goddess said...

D - sending all kinds of good thoughts and positive energy to your dad this morning. And, since I know I'd be driven to distraction if I were in your shoes right now, I'll just go ahead and give all my good vibes to you, too. Somebody's got to take care of you while you take care of everything else! Good luck this morning. - Mia

Dazed said...

Also sending good thoughts and vibes across the US over to you and your dad!!!

Mamato2boys said...

Thinking of your dad and your family this morning. I hope to hear a wonderful report from the surgery soon!

Smiles :o)
Ang

Noames said...

Thinking of you today. Hope things went well this morning.

agategoddess said...

Long distance hugs for you and your family.

Right now I think just getting through what you need to is a tad more important. Hang in there, you'll get through this, I know you can.

Miss Lisa said...

Don't know about you babe, but as far as I'm concerned if you believe in God you have to believe in the Devil - a very real power - and what's the best way to get at you in a time of stress over your dad? That'd be the food beast baby!!! Do what you have to do until your dad is out of his surgery and on the mend, and then you'll be back on the horse and nothing will be able to stop you.

Michael said...

You've mentioned the prepared meals before, but this is the first time I've noticed a link. I see what you meant before about them being expensive, but they look tasty, though.

I hope that everything went well with your dad's surgery. And silverella is right, don't beat yourself up. You will get your focus back. We're all cheering for you.

ms ralph said...

I offer a quote to you today because I can't say it better:
"True hope dwells on the possible, even when life seems to be a plot written by someone who wants to see how much adversity we can overcome.
True hope responds to the real world, to real life; it is an active effort."
- Walter Anderson

suzy snow said...

Sorry to hear about your Dad, my prayers are with him, and don't worry about everything else. Sometimes you just have to let go a little so that you have the energy to deal with other issues.
Huggggggggggg

Amanda said...

awww sweetie, I am sending load of happy love vibes your way. if you need a listening e-ear, please email me. I'm here. I imagine things are tough but I also have faith you will stick it out! don't be so hard on yourself, you will be back on track soon.

xx