Friday, April 15, 2005

Bring it - I'm ready

Friday morning. I was supposed to go to a Junior League Legislative Breakfast this morning - an opportunity to meet state and local legislators and begin the work that I'll be doing for at least the next year as a member of the political action wing of our chapter. I took the morning off, told everyone I'd be in by noon, and then toodled off. And then...then I came home, had a good old wallow in my desperation about my father and my life and every other important thing I could think of, and topped it all off with a steak and mashed potatoes dinner accompanied by a glass of a very fine 1992 Paso Robles Zinfandel.

I think I was hoping that the hearty food would somehow make it better, that I'd find that familiar, happy numbness, and surely the wine on top of it would just increase the chances of disappearing from this world - temporarily - that I don't seem to want to deal with of a sudden. Funny thing about hope is that hope is nothing without drive, without ambition. Hope on its own is just sad and pathetic. Which, incidentally, is how I felt after I'd finished dinner, watched my Netflix movie of the evening - Raising Helen, and headed down to bed. I think I'd gotten about two steps down the staircase when the tears came. Not graceful, quiet sobs, but great, heaving ones. I sobbed as I walked into my room, as I did my evening ablutions in the bathroom, and then, suddenly, as I was saying over and over again, "please no...please no", I had a sudden realization.

What I realized was that this is in God's hands, not mine, and that my seeming unwillingness to deal with reality was firmly rooted in a juvenile need to control everything which, of course, is simply impossible. I frequently believe that I am in control but that's just an illusion. The truth is that I can do anything with God's help but without Him - when I decide that, if only I try hard enough and worry enough and push enough, I can make things happen the way that I want them to - I simply can't attain my full potential. Many of you reading this may disagree with me, but this is my belief and it's built on 37 years of life, love, disappointment, and achievement, and I know it to be true for me.

So, where does that leave me? Well, I decided to skip the JL breakfast this morning and spend some quality time with me, which is just what I did. I got up early, I cleaned up the kitchen, I put together a breakfast from Starbucks (lowfat apricot-blueberry muffin plus nonfat decaf no-foam sugar free hazelnut latte) accompanied by some string cheese, and then I hit the treadmill. It was on the treadmill that I had my epiphany: It's time to finish this thing out. I've been diddling around with this fitness thing for months now - for whatever reason - and it's time to choose what I want, and what I want is a healthy life at a healthy weight, so it's time to get deadly serious and focus. When I decide there's something that I want and I get my priorities set up properly, nothing and no one can stop me. I cannot affect the outcome of my dad's surgery (next Tuesday morning at 7:30am Pacific time), but I can do what I need to do to take care of myself so that I don't end up the same way in a few years. I can set a good example for my dad of eating right and making movement part of my daily life. I can do this - I'm strong enough, I'm smart enough, and I know what I need to do.

So, as I said out loud while I was on my treadmill (to no one in particular): Bring it...I'm ready!

22 comments:

Rebecca said...

Come on Denise! Find that niche again. You can do it!!!

Mamato2boys said...

Hey lovie!

I will have you and your dad in my prayers on tuesday morning.
What a wonderful epiphany. I just know that you and your dad are going to be leading healthy and happy lives for a long time to come!
Sometimes when things get way overwhelming for me the thought that "The only thing that I CAN control is what goes in my mouth", really helps me through.

Hugs!
Ang

Noames said...

Yay, Denise! Bring on the fitness and the health!

And my thoughts will be with you and your dad on Tuesday.

Kris said...

What an inspiring read! Thank you Denise. My thoughts and prayers will also be with you and your dad.
Best wishes,
Kris

ms ralph said...

It is good to see you getting your own personal drive back, and I hope things go well with your father.

chaos said...

"Hope is nothing without drive, without amnition." Wow, powerful statement that rings with truth. Thank you. You and your dad will be in my thoughts on Tuesday.

poopie said...

Do I hear an AMEN?

MR Hester said...

You are my Hero!

M@rla said...

I know you'll get to where you want to be, Denise, weight-wise and in the rest of your life. You never give up!!

CaliGirl said...

hi denise...hope all goes well with your dad on tuesday. your previous story was absolutely wonderful and i hope my daughter grows up to feel the same way about her stepdad (as posted on slicks site).

i agree that its up to YOU (the individual) to make "it" happen and only YOU can do "it" when you are ready. looks like you are finally ready and made that choice. good for you girlie....you can do it!

thank you for stopping by my site the other day :)

big hugs

Shannin said...

I am so happy to read this post. As we've discussed, falling off the wagon doesn't mean you have failed. I love to hear you're back on the treadmill, working out, and even some red wine is good for you.

I will say a special prayer for your father. You have a lot of people on your side right now.

Beba said...

HI
I JUST SOW YOUR PICS BEFORE AND NOW... WOW! I ADMIRE YOU, I SO ADMIRE YOU. JUST HOLD ON. I WISH YOU THE BEST HONEY! YOU REALLY WORK HARD. WILL PRAY FOR YOU
B

Ms Gigglepuss said...

Oooh, an epiphany on the treadmill! I want one of those :) I'm glad you got "it" back and I wish you all the best.

I'm sending all the positive vibes possible to you and your father. Keep strong!

Gothamimage said...

Just a thought. Treadmills cause weight gain, because the are a part of , not a rebelllion against, the contemporary culture that makes people gain weight.

Crystal said...

(((Denise))) I will definitely be keeping your father in my prayers. As for you my dear... keep doing what you are doing ...your sharing with us is truly priceless and a great inspiration...and but of course my dear... I always keep you in my prayers and thoughts...

Miles said...

Good for you, sounds like you found it and I have faith you'll hold onto it.

deb said...

Prayers for your father, Denise...and for you :)

Mamacita said...

You go, girl. You're an inspiration to me.

Alda said...

Denise, you are amazing. And what's more, you're right: without your higher power, you are powerless. And God can do for you what you cannot do for yourself. Just keep turning it over... :)

PS All the best for your father on Tuesday.

Bluegrass Mama said...

Amen, Denise--this is the post I've been waiting to read. :-)

I'll be praying for you and your dad.

agategoddess said...

Hey there, sounds to me like the same focused fiesty Denise is back with a vengance! I know I'm the last person to dole out advice, so I won't. Just know we're all here for you, chearing you on :) Oh, and watch what you wish for, you may have a couch sitter in San Diego if you're not careful!

Lisa said...

AWESOME!!! You've MADE IT Denise, the rest is just your body catching up - nothing can stop you now!!