Saturday, February 05, 2005

What I want

Saturday night. Turns out that, even when you're really happy with yourself and with life in general, you can still get the blues.

I have a closet full of gorgeous clothes, shoes, handbags, and jewelery. I have incredible bed linens and bath towels. The jasmine on my balcony is so fragrant that I can smell it as soon as I open the door in the morning. I am involved in the life of a wonderful young man who played a mean game of basketball this afternoon (woohoo Alcott). I actually have a day planner and need to use it. I have parents who are alive and who love and care for me. The newest issue of the "New Yorker" magazine is waiting for me on my bed. And, I pounded out four miles tonight on my treadmill while watching more of "Sex and the City", season four. My life is charmed. And yet.

And yet, tonight, while I was driving up to La Jolla to pick up a latte and dinner at La Salsa, listening to the Love Songs CD I picked up at Starbucks earlier, I suddenly started to cry. No, this isn't about a man (or lack thereof), it's just that, sometimes, I still feel empty and unfulfilled. How can I be unfulfilled??? I have a great job where I honestly do make a difference (no matter how I might kvetch), I am a court appointed special advocate for a fabulous basketball player, I am a provisional member of the Junior League and am doing great things for kids through their programs, and I'm developing new love and respect for myself while shrinking my body. Most people would give up a lot for what I've got and - don't get me wrong - I am so incredibly happy with my life, but, well, I don't know.

Know what I want? Me, neither.

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