Friday, January 28, 2005

Random thoughts on a rainy Friday afternoon

Friday afternoon. So it's a little gray and a little quiet (for a change) around here this afternoon. I've got my "MTV Laguna Beach" iMix playing on the laptop and I'm getting all angst-y and introspective. It's a good thing, so don't worry.

Here's the thing: Life seeks its own equilibrium. The extreme highs are always followed by extreme lows because that restores Balance. It's the oddest thing, after being such a wildly extreme person (mostly on the low side) my entire life, to sort of cruise along in equilibrium. Sometimes I find myself thinking how boring it is...and then I shake myself - hard! - and realize that this is the best thing ever. It does, however, make you very drama-averse. At this point, anything or anyone that brings undue emotional baggage just isn't getting a foothold in my life. I don't think there's anything for the drama to stick to anymore, if that makes sense. A body at rest will stay at rest until it's acted upon by another body and, when your life has become a drama-averse body, it takes a lot to get you to do something dramatic. This is a good thing.

So, here's another thing: when does feeling good about yourself, your weight, and your life change into stagnation? I'm not really worried about it, but the thought does occasionally occur to me that perhaps the equilibrium I'm feeling is, in reality, apathy. I don't think that's the case because apathy (for me) is generally accompanied by depression and other things that make me feel badly about myself, and nothing could be further from the truth right now. I honestly don't think I've ever felt more secure, happier, and more sure that what I'm doing (and who I am) is right and good. I know it sounds very Pollyanna-ish, but there it is. Still, there's that tiny, niggling worry back there, way in the back of my head, that says, "are you just being lazy?" when I don't go for a walk and decide to do laundry or run errands or clean the house (amazing!) instead. I don't know what the "right" answer is, but I know that - for me, for right now - this is what Happy looks like.

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