Tuesday, August 31, 2004

All in all it's just a bag of popcorn

Tuesday afternoon. Yesterday was a very stressful day for me here at VLSCI. Very. Veryveryveryveryvery stressful. People popping out of every crevice, projects cascading down on me like a pile of folded sweaters when you pull the size 3X at the bottom out, and emails out the ying ying. It was to the point where, as I made myself as small as possible while hiding underneath my desk, I was either going to snap and go seriously Exorcistic on some innocent team member or start to hyperventilate in the prelude to a full blown panic attack. I chose Door #3 - I ate an entire bag of popcorn. Old, faithful, mindless eating of mass quantities of food as anesthetic is something I'm not supposed to be doing in my new, improved, healthier lifestyle but, you know, I honestly think I made the best choice given my options. I couldn't get away from my desk, I was so stressed that taking a little mental break wasn't going to cut it, and I was, seriously right on the sharp edge of losing it. You know what's sick? It worked, almost immediately, like a charm. I immediately felt my body relax, my fists unclenched, my shoulders drop away from my ears. Sick, I tell you. Ring that darned bell, Mr. Pavlov, and I'll salivate.

I've been thinking (always dangerous) and I'm wondering if maintaining for a little while, rather than being focused so intently on the weight loss part of this, mightn't be a good thing. If I can comfortably get myself into a size 22 (probably about five pounds), I could just maintain there for a month or two - working out at the level I do now and sticking with my healthy meals for the most part - and, with any luck, curtain my unhealthy obsession with the scale. I know that I look better than I did a few months ago and I certainly feel better, so why not? I could still focus on the internal parts of myself that so desperately need attention while giving myself "permission" to eat off plan occasionally as long as there was no bingeing involved. I'm not sure I'll do it, but I'm giving it a lot of thought.

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