Sunday, June 20, 2004

The cure for impending cockiness

Sunday morning. I've received several reminders in the last few days that I am still a compulsive overeater with low self esteem, albeit (currently) in recovery. The good news is that this gives me something more interesting than just "I ate right, I exercised, I got in my water" to talk about (for which, I'm sure, you're eternally grateful).

First sign that interesting things are cooking in my subconscious is that I had a passing thought (no more than 30 seconds at most) while driving to pick up my healthy meals at Heidi's Frozen Yogurt on Friday night that I should pick up a small, nonfat chocolate yogurt while I was there. What?!? Hello, that's not on the plan, you're not hungry, and you're not going to obsess over food. The thought disappeared as quickly as it had come, but it left me on guard, waiting for the next salvo. Yesterday, it came.

Saturdays are the days that I increase my time for my walks by 10%, so yesterday's walk was to be 24.2 minutes instead of 22 - not such a big difference, or so you would think. Apparently, it was a big difference to my subconscious, because it really dug its heels in and didn't want to go for a walk yesterday. When I started poking and prodding, what came out was, "it's such a long time" and "it's too hard". What?!? Hello, it's only two minutes, twelve seconds longer than your walks last week and only four minutes, twelve seconds longer than the week before. Four minutes! This is not some dreaded forced march in the heat, uphill, this is less than 25 minutes of walking on a flat surface at a comfortable clip. So, I cut myself a deal - I had to do the entire walk, but I could go at a pace that was a little slower, if I really wanted to. Once I got out there, of course, it was fine, as I knew it would be. I didn't push myself, speed-wise, but I kept up a good, solid pace and was slightly winded and very sweaty when I finished.

So, what's behind these little rebellions? Well, it's been just over two weeks now that I've been strictly adhering to the new and improved Ten Percent Challenge guidelines, and things are becoming, for the most part, easier. I'm wondering if the very fact that I've managed two weeks is somehow threatening to something deep down inside. I've said all along that this is about my health and building a body that will be able to live a long, happy, and active life, but, perhaps there's still some part of me that thinks it's about losing weight in order to feel better about myself or to get smaller because I'm disgusted with my body as it is now. If that's the message that's being internalized then I clearly still have some work to do to solidify my intent and get buy in from every part of me. The happy side benefit to this marketing campaign is that it will also shore up my motivation, should it ever lag, and will force me to a position of absolute clarity about my intent and vision for what I'm doing.

As a final thought, I'm stealing something from Self magazine and will answer a different question every day in order to appreciate more of the joy in my life. Sunday's question is: What are you looking forward to in the week ahead? I am really looking forward to my Geneen Roth seminar on Friday. It's all about how to overcome emotional overeating and, although I'm doing pretty well with that right now, I know that I need as much information and as many suggestions as possible, because it is a wily disease and I'm not foolish enough to think that I have all of the answers. In any case, I'll be staying at the hotel overnight, which is always fun, and taking Friday off of work, too. Can't wait!

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