Wednesday, June 23, 2004

And, sometimes, it's just plain hard work

Wednesday afternoon. I can't believe that I've become one of those "post a few times a week" bloggers. I have been so proud of my regular daily postings and am dismayed to see that my last post was this weekend - this will change, I promise.

So, the recalcitrant child inside me is definitely doing her very best to derail my efforts at being healthy. Yesterday, it was, quite literally, like dragging a sulky teenager behind me on my walk. First, she didn't want to go at all. I paid no attention and got dressed to go. Then, she decided it was critically important to check my email before leaving and then respond to the two or three messages there, delaying our departure by about 15 minutes in the end. Then, she was whining the whole way up the driveway of my condo complex about how much she hated walking and how much it was going to suck. It was at this point that I understood how my parents must have felt from 1980 through 1984. I wanted nothing more than to wring her little neck just to have some peace and quiet. Once I started pushing myself on the walk, all thoughts except those of "yikes, this is tough" and "I can't wait until I can stop" left my head, which was the intended effect. I really hope this is PMS related because spending the next 50 years (I hope!) having to drag myself through walks or jogs or bike rides or whatever just doesn't fill my heart with joy.

Food has been perfect, and it's been a serious battle, too. I've been craving salty, crunchy, greasy foods all week and there just aren't any of those on my prepared meals list (which is, of course, the point of eating the prepared meals). I was watching TV when a potato chip commercial came on and the CRUNCH noise as the actor bit into the chip sent an immediate message to my brain - need chips! I ignored it, but that was followed by a Tac0 Be11 commercial for something with lots of guacamole, sour cream, and melty cheese, which, again, nearly sent me into food craving orbit. It was at that point that I snapped the TV off and decided I should go pick up my prepared meals, which got my mind off of the food and back on my health, thankfully. When I got home, I didn't want the BBQ Salmon that was on my prepared meals list, I wanted tonight's Chicken Enchilada instead. Once again, the whiny voice started in, and, once again, I just ignored it and did what I knew I needed to do anyway.

My big fear now is that these little bouts of rebellion are becoming more frequent and, if it's not just PMS, this really could be what I have to deal with for the rest of my life. Granted, I won't be eating prepared meals and being rigidly strict with myself for the rest of my life (probably only for another 80-100 pounds / 12 months), but I know that, because of my diabetes and my propensity for binge eating, I will never be able to eat unconsciously or according to cravings.

The way I'm working on this is to keep reminding myself that it's about my health, not about my size or my looks or my self esteem. I am happy with myself as I am now, unaltered, I just need to get my blood sugar under control (which is happening - it was 120 last night, down from over 200 the same time last week) and take some of the excess weight around my middle off to help keep my sugars under control and also ease the strain on my back, knees, and ankles. All of my efforts for the Ten Percent Challenge are geared toward those goals and I am also adding a new component of looking at myself in a non-critical way so that I make peace with my stomach as it is right now and stop demonizing it. I hope that I'm making progress in this area, but time will tell for sure.

Ten Percent Challenge update: I weighed in at 246 this morning, which is six of the ten percent I'm shooting for. That's about two pounds a week so far, which is far above what I was expecting and a good sign that what I'm doing is working, especially in conjunction with the lowered blood sugars.

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