Thursday, May 06, 2004

How to change your perspective

Thursday afternoon. In case you're wondering, yes, I saw this article and this one, too. No, it didn't really hit home for me upon first reading, because I've developed this clever little filter for my brain which doesn't allow me to think about what I'm doing to my body by ignoring my diabetes, eating too much food and crappy food, and not exercising. You see, if I don't think about it, it can't hurt me and will eventually just go away. Neat, huh?

However, as I was driving to the yogurt shop to pick up my meals (which were supposed to have been picked up on Monday) last night, it suddenly hit me: diabetes kills more people than AIDS and extra weight kills diabetics eight years sooner than if they'd maintained a healthy body weight. I'm literally killing myself here, people...and pretty darned efficiently, to boot!

Levity aside, I don't have any sort of death wish, nor am I suicidal. Quite the contrary. Every day, I discover something else about myself or my life or the world in general that makes me happier and convinces me that I'm getting closer to being the person that I want to be and having a life that I can be proud of. Good things are happening every day and I want to be here to enjoy them to the fullest extent possible.

Why, then, is this so hard? I wish I knew. I wish that I knew what the "magic thing" that will get me to stop this self destructive behavior was so that I could buy a lifetime supply of it. The answer is, of course, that there is no magic to what needs to be done. Eat less, eat food that is nutritious, exercise every day, and reduce the stress. Simple, really. Follow that simple equation and you'll be healthy and radiant in no time. Anyone trying to lose weight not have that equation burned on their brain? I didn't think so!

So, what's the solution? I'm honestly not sure. I did, however, get a flyer in the mail for a Geneen Roth seminar to help me get my emotional eating under control. The goals and objectives for the sessions seem really well aligned with my needs, so I'm hopeful for good results. (Gosh, that sounds so corporate...I need a vacation!!!) I'm also going to give a twelve step program a chance. I attended some meetings a few weeks ago but got weirded out by all of the talk about listing my character flaws and making amends and never eating off of a rigid plan again. I'm still a little hinky about the "never" thing, because I'd like to be able to decide that I really want Rubio's fish tacos instead of whatever meal I was supposed to have and, as long as the calories are the same, count it as "good".

The bottom line is that I'm on program as of 5:15pm Pacific, for the first time in a while, and I'm feeling hopeful again. If I can just keep treating myself well, not beating myself up or feeling like such a bad person that I'm not worth the effort, and working to diminish the increased stress in my life since the change in my responsibilities here at VLSCI, I really believe that I can achieve my health, Life, and weight goals (in that order).

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