Saturday, April 24, 2004

Starting again

Saturday night. It happened. Four hours from being able to log my fifth day of abstinence, I binged. It came on slowly, starting while I was reformatting my computer (ugh, don't ask!), insinuating itself into my conscious mind so that I almost didn't notice it until it was there and ready to fight. Pictures of curling up on the couch with one of my new $4.99 DVD purchases (don't laugh, one of them was "His Girl Friday" with Rosalind Russell, which I love...they're at Fry's Electronics, if you're interested) and a huge pile of food starting wafting across my thoughts, even as I struggled to get things straightened away with the computer. I fought it off, ate my dinner, and was feeling righteously smug when it came back and just wouldn't go away. I tried lying down and it didn't work. I tried taking a drive and that didn't work, either. Eventually, I decided that it wasn't going away and I gave in.

It was one of my old favorites - all I can gorge drive through Mexican food. Even as I was carrying the bag in, I thought to myself, "You don't have to eat it. You could still throw it away and maintain your abstinence." Even as I said it, I knew that wasn't going to happen. I was going to sit down and eat, even though I'd just eaten an hour ago, even though I wasn't hungry, and even though I knew it was going to undo four and three-quarters days of hard work for me.

So, now that it's passed, what next? Well, I did stop myself before I got really full, which is a good thing. There is food left in the bag upstairs (which is headed for the trash bin outside) and that never happened in the old days. I think that I need to do two things now. First, I need to lighten up my abstinence plan to allow for eating out occasionally as long as I don't eat beyond being full. By telling myself that I can't, I'm just creating an obsessive situation with really bad odds for me. Next, I need to start getting out and moving. I was going to wait until the food was more entrenched, but I think that I need the activity to help me get in the "healthy mindset" that will turn my thoughts toward nourishing my body rather than losing weight per se.

Anyway, sorry if I've disappointed anyone, but this is what "progress, not perfection" looks like. Sometimes I will have slip ups, but until I stop trying, I have not failed.

Days of abstinence: Starting over
Days left until May 1: 6

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