Friday, April 16, 2004

An open book test

Friday afternoon. I'm fed up. I'm tired of being fat, I'm tired of being tired of being fat, and I'm tired of talking about being tired of being fat.

I've been thinking a lot lately, which is always dangerous, frankly, and I've come to a few conclusions:

1. Sometimes, my eating is controlled by my emotions. When I don't or can't binge when I want to, I get this anxious, nervous feeling, like a caged animal. I'm not sure if that's me being scared of never getting to eat again or of the possibility that I might have to feel uncomfortable feelings instead of just eating them away.

2. I do not believe that I have the power to control my eating when emotions flare up. I know that I can, and have, stood up against food cravings in the past, but I always go back at some point to my friend, The Binge. (You know what's scary? I actually took an emotional inventory of myself right at the beginning of a binge the night before last and I found that the primary emotion I was feeling was relief. I was relieved because I could eat this huge pile of food. Why does that bring relief???)

3. It's not a lack of understanding about nutrition or health that keeps me from losing weight. It's not because I don't have the right diet or exercise plan available to me. What keeps me from losing weight and being healthy is my refusal to deal with the real reasons that I binge eat and/or eat things that are not good for my body.

4. I could lose 125 pounds and I still wouldn't be happy because I haven't dealt with all of the emotional garbage that clouds my life. It's so easy to blame everything on being fat - not being able to find a date, not being able to go out and socialize with "normal" people - but that's not the root cause. There are self esteem issues that will not go away with the pounds of fat - only serious internal work by me will lay the foundation for a happy life.

I've tried a counselor, I've tried self help books, and I just don't know what else to try. I'm so desperately unhappy with my body and my life, and that's just making my emotional baggage heavier to carry. It's become such a vicious cycle of self hate, turning into a binge, turning into more self hate, and so on and so forth. Where does it stop? I can't make it stop on my own, but there's no one else to do it for me.

I'm sorry to be such a downer on a Friday afternoon, I just had to get that all out of me. It spins and whirls around in my head and I can't make anything make sense unless I write it down. I think it's time to go home and possibly take a nap. I feel very sleepy suddenly and I think I'll go with it instead of fighting it. Everyone have a good Friday night!

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