Saturday, April 17, 2004

The darkest time is just before dawn

Saturday evening. It's a "good news/bad news" kind of day for me.

I took my car in to get smogged and have an oil change and, while the car passed (just barely), the O2 sensor was not functioning, so that was $220, and my rear tires had some "cupping" (don't ask me!) so they had to be rotated and balanced. The total bill was $360 - thank goodness for my IRS refund!

While they were working on my car, I decided to walk to Target, which is about 1/2 mile away from the dealership. I got there, started my shopping (two Vintage switchplates, three Vintage outlet covers, two Shabby Chic dishtowels, and a Shabby Chic oven mitt), and spent about 40 minutes dinking around Target. When I got outside the store, I found that it was now absolutely teeming with rain and the wind was blowing half a gale. I was wearing a tshirt and shorts. It was 70 degrees (F) and sunny when I went in! What the heck? In any case, I walked back to the dealership with my two bags tightly fastened, wearing the new track jacket I'd bought at Target over my tshirt. I was absolutely soaked to the skin by the time I got back to the dealership. I dripped all the way across the floor when I went inside, so I ended up sitting outside in the wind and rain so that I wouldn't destroy one of the nice chairs inside. The good news, other than the fact that my car passed its smog test, is that the consultant told me not to be disheartened because they looked really carefully at everything to make sure nothing else was ready to go and couldn't find anything, which is encouraging. I'd really like to keep this car another couple of years so that I can save up for a massive downpayment on a new car. Let's all keep our fingers crossed, shall we?

I really want to thank everyone that responded to my post from yesterday. I really believe that all of this has to come out of me before I can start to heal what needs to be healed. I have terrible self esteem issues (Denise, this is not news to anyone!) and I know that they are at least partially to blame for my weight problems. This is a pretty tall order to take care of, frankly. For as long as I can remember, there have always been three things that I've wished for: 1. a completely and absolutely flat stomach, 2a. to be "normal", accepted and even (GASP) desired by society OR 2b. to be as unobtrusive as possible, attracting no attention, making no trouble for anyone. Because I am unable to achieve numbers 1 and 2a, I pour all of my energies into number 2b and have become quite skilled in that area. Take today. The service consultant told me to call if it was raining and I needed a ride from Target, but I didn't do it because I didn't want to have to interact with the shuttle driver and worry that they were judging me because of my weight or whatever other external flaws caught their notice. Yes, I genuinely think that way. I was at a meeting this morning, very casual, but with lots of people I didn't know. The speaker asked me to come up and be acknowledged by the group and I was absolutely paralyzed with fear. I couldn't move, felt my heart racing, and just kept shaking my head and looking at the floor in front of me. I just knew that, no matter how well meaning and kind these people were, they would be looking at my huge stomach and thinking, "Why doesn't she do something about that? How can she live like that?" I came home and ate a huge fast food meal, loathing myself as I ate but not knowing any other way to handle my need to disappear, even if just for the time I was eating.

I've heard so many times that "it's always darkest just before the dawn". Dear God, I hope that's true because it's getting really dark around here and I can't seem to find a light switch.

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