Friday, August 15, 2003

What are you so scared of?

Friday morning. Once again, not enough sleep last night, which led to a pretty wretched workout with Trainer Hottie this morning. I was wiped out, moody, and had no energy. This cannot continue! I have the first meeting for my marathon training group tomorrow morning and I need to be positive and energized. I want this experience to be enervating and empowering, to be the beginning of a journey to a stronger, more confident place for me. Why does this marathon in particular hold such power over me? I don't know the answer to that question and it's not really important because it does have an incredible pull on my psyche and I'm going to use that to my advantage.

Early in my blogging (April), I did a lot of thinking about being scared and how that feeds my unfortunate (destructive?) tendency toward inactivity. It's as though, in my mind, if i'm scared then it's better to do nothing than do something which might end up being the wrong thing to do. Of course, logically, I know that doing nothing is as likely, if not more so, to be the wrong thing than making a choice based on my knowledge and experience, but logic and fear are at opposite ends of the mental spectrum for me. It's akin to trying to push two magnets together, the way that they repel each other...fear and logic work the same way for me.

The question must be asked: what is it, exactly, that I'm so scared of? The answer that I came up with in April was that I'm scared of life itself, and I still believe that to be true. I think that fear may, in fact, have been exacerbated by the momentous life changes that C. and I have been discussing, which will turn my entire carefully crafted, not necessarily happy but at least comfortable existence completely on its ear. I'm not good at dealing with even little changes in my routine so you can imagine what my subconscious is thinking about every single thing in my life changing. It's not pretty and, honestly, that's probably playing a part, on some level, in my inability to get a proper night's sleep.

Last time I wrote about my fears, I almost immediately started feeling better. I really hope that happens this time, too.

Weeks until L.A. Marathon: 30
Weeks until Christmas: 20
Activity yesterday: 33 minutes/1.7 miles on treadmill

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