Friday, May 16, 2003

How did I get to here from there?

Friday afternoon. Had a great session with Dr. Karen Wednesday night. I hadn't seen her in two weeks (we're experimenting with meeting less frequently, I think as a transition to ending things) and filled her in on how well I feel things are going for me right now. Did not mention C to her. Not sure of exactly why, other than the fact that she's indicated in the past that she doesn't understand online dating and I just don't want to have to go through a series of justifications as to why this is a valid life/love (yes, I'm using that word advisedly) choice for me. Nonetheless, I did tell her how pleased I am with the way that I'm reacting to situations on an everyday basis. Yes, there are still those moments when my first reaction is to blame and denigrate myself, regardless of whether it's appropriate or not. Yes, I still have trouble receiving even constructive criticism. And yes, I still struggle each and every day to create a positive body image. Given all of those things, however, I really do feel that I've made huge strides toward making a more positive life for myself since we started talking last October.

I know that I've declared a jinx free zone on C and I, but I just have to share the fact that this man is A-mazing!!! Last night (or was it this morning? After you've talked all night, how does one classify 5am? But I digress...), I was blathering about how we both needed to "take care" of things in our lives before we could truly be together full time (ummmm...not even going to try to explain it, just trust me on this one). Being C he, of course, asked me what I meant by "taking care of things". (Note: C is the single best communicator I know, hands down. He doesn't waffle or wander around the subject, he gets right to the point and he doesn't allow me to vacillate, either. So THIS is what a healthy relationship feels like!!!) I had to open up and confess to him about the situation with S, the Navy penpal. Silence on the other end of the phone. My heart stopped beating and my stomach fell into a bottomless pit of despair. Still, I pressed on. I told him that it was something that had started because I was feeling weak and wanted validation that I was still a desireable woman even if it meant doing something as desperate as going out with a 24 year old. I told him that when I looked at S and then at him (C), it was so ludicrous as to be laughable that I had ever considered that as a viable option when this (C and I) was what I've always dreamt of and needed. Now I know what you're thinking, dear readers, this sounds pretty darned corny, doesn't it? Funny thing is, it's also totally true. And once I'd explained to him why I hadn't told him before (because it should have been done in the very beginning but I didn't want to be presumptuous and assume that he cared one way or another who or if I were dating and then, once it was clear that he would care, it was simply too late because it would have looked like I'd been covering it up), he did the most amazing thing...he told me that he totally understood and loved me. Yes, you read that correctly...I've just confessed something pretty horrid, in my opinion, and he's digested it, accepted it, and moved on to giving me advice about how best to break it off without hurting S's feelings. I've said it before and I'll say it again...this man is amazing! (Oh yes, and I actually "met" his mom on the phone, too! Gosh, I hope she'll like me.) How ON EARTH did I go from The Biggest Mistake of My Life and it's aftermath to this wonderful man in only 8 months??? I don't know but I hope this isn't all a dream...

Monday's exercise: 45 minutes of stretching and weights/toning
Tuesday's exercise: None
Wednesday's exercise: None
Thursday's exercise (are we seeing a pattern here?): None
Friday's exercise: 30 minutes of walking/jogging (This is starting to take on the dark overtones of 6 years ago when I let dating get in the way of my health. Must not allow that to happen again, and I know that if I tell C that I need to be spending more time on exercise that he'll help kick my butt into gear. The thing is that it's not the time that I spend with him that's affecting my exercise as much as it is the time before he gets home. Of course, not going to bed until 2 or 3 in the morning is definitely not helping my chances of getting up early and getting my cardio done. Will talk with C candidly about it, because there simply is no other way that he will accept, and see what he thinks.
Weeks to 2004 LA Marathon: 42